Same Story.....Different Day

Well it was a Big Fat Negative this morning so obviously yesterday's test was an evap. I'm starting to accept the fact that this did not work either. I am 12 DPO/7DP5DT and I have no hope that its still too early because its not. I'm so tired of being disappointed when it comes to this. Adr!@n and I have been at this for over four years now. I'm starting to think that maybe bearing a child is just not meant for me. As hard as that is for me to say in my head I know it will be even harder to accept, but I just don't know how much more I can take. Adr!@n just says to keep trying and keep trying until it happens and physically yes I can do that but mentally and emotionally I don't think I can handle it. It makes me feel like such a failure to not be able to bear my husbands children or even just a child at that. This empty void can be filled by adoption....yes. But the desire that I have to feel my baby moving around in my insides can not be replaced. I never imagined that the thing I have longed for since I was a little girl would come so hard for me to obtain....NEVER. I am the only one on both sides of my family that have to deal with this, and I just don't understand it. Why me. What have I done that I don't deserve to carry my child? I'm just so tired of this mess.... I am.

Snow Babies

Well today was the FET (Frozen Embryo Transfer). Two embies were thawed and transferred. The transfer went well. You are supposed to have a full bladder because it makes it easier to see the uterus with the ultrasound. But my bladder was WAY too full. The nurse let me go release just a little but the pressure was soooo bad. But other than that all went well. It feels just like any other day, I left the doctors, drove myself home, stopped and got gas and just kept it moving. Praying that we have some sticky and healthy embies in there. It almost doesn't seem real. The IVF felt so real because of all the medicine and I was very blotted and cramping and with this FET the medicine was so much easier on my body that I almost didn't realize that I was doing a cycle. Sticky vibes, Sticky vibes!!!!

Mid-Cycle Ultrasound

Just got back from my appointment. My doctor said everything looks good. My lining was 14mm grade C. Transfer is scheduled for Tuesday at 1pm. I start the progesterone shots tomorrow for five days then I switch to vaginal suppositories. My nurse said I already know you're going to test, but just so you know with FET the results you get are accurate because you didn't trigger. I was like yep I know...but no testing for me and she gave me this look like yeah right and I was like yeah you're probably right. So I'm praying this is it.......

Failed IVF Consultation - Turned into Baseline

I'm back from my consultation about my failed IVF cycle. I was able to ask all of my questions that I wanted answers to. I asked about the E2 levels and if it effects the lining and he said maybe or maybe not, really hard to say, my lining looked fine at the end but he think I may have developed a polyp and he would want to check that. I asked was assisted hatching done on our embryos and he said no, they don't normally do them on the first cycle, but one of mine was already hatching and the other was well on the way so it was not needed. I asked if it is done for a FET cycle and he said they always do it with FET. I asked what he like to see the lining at before a FET cycle he said 8-10mm. I asked what day our embyros were frozen on and he said he thought it was day 6 and 7 and day 7 isn't as good so if thats the case he would think about putting 3 back in although he don't like putting three back in with someone my age. He went and checked and my embryos are day 5 and 6 so he said that is good and only two can go back in. I asked about the 3 day follow up after transfer to check everything and he said they don't do it unless I run the risk for overstimming but it hasn't been scientifically proven to help anything. I asked about what he said on the website about bedrest and he don't require it because it hasn't been scientifically proven and he said yes, its not necessary and he said the last three studies done showed that the women who didn't do bedrest had a higher success rate than those who did...basically saying it has no effect. And lastly the main question...did I need surgery and he said he didn't think so but if I had developed a polyop then yes I might need it. He asked what CD I was on and said 11 and he was like we can do the ultrasound and HSN (hystersonogram) - (Saline is injected into the uterus and the cavity is viewed with ultrasound) now...then he looked at my folder and was like yeah your insurance covers everything might as well get it done now, but we will have to check again before the actual transfer to make sure. So the consultation appointment turned into an ultrasound and HSN. The ultrasound showed the many endometriums/cyst that I have but the HSN showed all clear and no polyp. So he said that was good and nothing in the inside look like it would effect me not getting pregnant. Told me to get dressed and Sheila my nurse would be in to see me. She came in and gave me my FET schedule. To my amazement they counted today's ultrasound as my Baseline. She started me on Estrogen patches and I start Estrace tonight after I pick up the prescription and back on baby aspirin again. I go back on August 15 for my mid-cycle ultrasound to make sure we have no polyps and the blast transfer is scheduled for August 21st. I was sitting there with my mouth open like are you serious....we're moving right along like right now. And she was like yep because the ultrasound showed your lining was very thin and she was like you must have bled a heck of a lot I was like um...yep! She was like so thats good, its thin now we can work on building it back up and move on. So thats my update.

My Research

Okay so I have one major question to ask my doctor now. I have been doing a lot of research about failed IVF cycles and I have read that high E2 levels can effect your outcome in a negative way. I read that high E2 levels start to break down the quality of your lining effecting implantation. My E2 on the day of retrieval was over 6,000 so if the doctor knew what I've been reading about the high levels effecting the outcome why didn't he say that and just freeze them all and I go for a FET instead of continuing on????? I just feel like he probably knew...and I hate him wasting one of our attempts when he probably knew already. They told me many times I was in risk of getting OHSS which I didn't but not one time did they mention the high levels could effect implantation....and out of all the articles I've read thats what it says.

Nothing New

Nothing new to report....just waiting....waiting....waiting. We have a follow-up consultation with our doctor about our failed cycle and what the next steps will be. I wrote down a lot of questions to ask him. So hopefully after our appointment on Monday we will know more about what is going on.