Friday, January 30, 2009

It's working

So I went and gave blood today to check my E2 levels to see if Depot Lupron was working since AF showed and she shouldn't have.

The nurse said my levels was <20. I asked if she had the exact number and she said it doesn't measure anything under 20. So she said no worries its doing what it is supposed to do.


Another good thing is...with a number that low that means no active cyst and I sometimes have issues with thats great news too!

Edited: Thanks Molly.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Acupuncture today....

He told me he can really tell a difference in my body and he would be shocked if I didn't have a positive outcome after this.

I wish I could have that same secure feeling....but after all the disappointments...its so hard to feel that.

But boy oh I hope, pray, wish and want him to be right!

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Excuse me AF....why are you here?

So AF starts bright and early at 3:00 a.m. this morning...arriving with luggage full of cramps. The problem is I'm on Depot Lupron and shouldn't be getting AF after my first shot. I just got my second shot, January 13th so it should be in my system good. And if its doing what it supposed to be doing...AF shouldn't be showing up. However, she showed 5 days later than she would normally show and 10 times lighter than she normally would be on Day 1...but the fact of the matter is....she showed.

I emailed my doc about it and this is what he said:

I have seen patients experience periods on lupron, but it’s not typical. I think we need to check some hormone levels on you to confirm its actually working. Just call the office to set up the appointment. Are you having any symptoms yet to suggest its working? Hot flashes? If so, I hope it’s not too bad for you! I’m glad you saw Dr. Duncan – I’m not surprised he advised Lovenox for the extended duration.

I answered his questions by yes, I've been having hot flashes and headaches and thats about it. I have an appointment Friday morning at 7:30 to give some blood to see whats going on with my hormone levels....and hopefully the Depot Lupron is doing what it supposed to do....and this is just some break-through bleeding.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Hematologist Appt.....

So I met with the hematologist today. I was pissed beyond pissed the way it went down. My appointment was at 12:00 so I made it there around 11:50 because I knew I would probably have some paperwork to fill out. Filled out the paperwork and waited. The hematologist was in a Cancer institute so I felt kind of awkward being in there….nevertheless I knew I had a reason to be there.

This is an important point to remember before my vent continues – when I made my appointment I specifically asked how long it would take because this determined the time I chose because I was leaving work to do it, to return back to work afterwards.

I was told “oh you should be in and out in an hour”. Me, okay great.

Well after sitting for 35 minutes past my appointment time I approach the desk to ask how much longer the wait will be. She said let me go check. She goes in the back and says they will be out in a few to get you. 20 minutes later they come out and take me to another room.

Again, I wait.

Another 30 minutes pass.

The lady who checked me in walked by the door and said you’re still here….have you seen the doctor? Me: Nope, and I’m getting pissed because I’ve already been waiting an hour and a half. She said okay let me go check, that’s unusual for Dr. Duncan as he doesn’t have many patients.

10 more minutes – Ms. W@tson would you mind moving to this room right here.

Sure – why not.

15 more minutes – are you here waiting for Dr. Duncan….Yeeeessssss.

Evidently this is a training clinic as there were numerous ‘young’ doctors walking around. One entered the room and introduced herself. I looked at her badge and immediately noted she was not the one I was here to see. Pissed even moreso by now. She ask what meds I was on, as if it wasn’t on the sheet I filled out when I arrived. She asked me to spell Lupron. I spelled it, but in my head I was saying….seriously?

She leaves and explains two more people will be coming in to go over my history….um great but where is the famous Dr. Duncan.

They enter…..very young again…but introduced themselves as doctor so and so and doctor so and so….I had so much steam coming out my ears I couldn’t hear their names. One of them say I take it you have been waiting long….um really you can tell that just from my aggravated look on my face. My answer – yes over an hour and a half now.

She says we work with Dr. Duncan and we will go ahead and take care of covering the history part for you. Sure why not. I answer their questions as they take notes. Then one of the young doctors flipping through my files that I brought says “So how many eggs do they have of yours?” I must have given her the dumbest of dumbest look as she tries to find better words to ask me. As she begins reading off my chart…it says here they retrieved 17, 9 fertilized and…..the words became garbled to me as I was fixing the right insult to sling her way. Great…found one….on the tip of my tongue – ‘How about you stick with your specialty as you have no clue what you’re talking about’ – saved by the bell, as the other young doctor clearly seen the hole my fire driven eyes was burning in her head and started asking some other questions. Clearly cutting her off and saving her from a good insult headed her way from me.

It’s not their fault the doctor wasn’t there, but it was their fault that they were there trying to fill dead air in a space that was so full of anger as my clock was now at 2:00 and I had yet to see the doctor for an appointment set for 12:00.

So one of the young doctors gets a bright idea – I’m going to page him to remind him he has an appointment. Then she looks at me, he’s at a lecture so maybe he forgot. The other young doctor….oh is he forgetful….the other young doctor, no not really but maybe he got long winded on his lecture. Me fuming in my head even more. You mean to tell me you bright doctors couldn’t think to page him after I was waiting 45 minutes, but now that we’re at 2 hours you geniuses think of paging him now.

Another reason I was highly pissed is that they let me wait and no one ever told me the doctor wasn’t there. I would have rescheduled….pissed yes, that I had an appointment booked for weeks and no doctor was there…but not as pissed as I was sitting there for 2 hours just waiting.

So the two obviously uncomfortable being surrounded by my mist of anger say, we’re going to go um check on another patient.

They open the door and walk out and I hear ‘oh there they are’. The famous Dr. Duncan has finally freaking arrived. My room door is open and I’m sitting in the chair by the door and I see Dr. Duncan walk up with a plate in his hand. By this time I’m blowing flames out my ears. One because I’m pissed… we already know….but two because I’m hungry and you walk your late butt up here with a plate like you are right on time. I normally eat at 12, didn’t eat thinking I was going to go there and come back to work and eat….nope…by 2:30 my stomach was talking to my back! He looks at me and looks at the two young doctors and says um I’m going to put this down. They follow. I guess they use this time to fill him in on my history.

He comes in and introduces himself. Sit down with his Doritos breath and start to talk to me. One of those doctors that like to be very close while talking to you….so close that I felt his Doritos breath in my face…..Apologizing for his double booking and explaining that he had to a lecture.

After all that waiting, I met with him for a max of 7 minutes. During this time it was determined that yes, I will most likely be on Lovenox my next cycle. I asked would how long I would be on it be determined by the results of the bloodwork. He said no, he thinks 12 weeks is not long enough and for a normal pregnancy he would stop at 20 weeks but much prefer to go the entire pregnancy. He said depending on my results he may start my injections before transfer instead of waiting for a confirmed pregnancy to start. He asked how I felt about sticking myself in the belly every day the entire pregnancy and I said, if that’s what I have to do, to have a healthy pregnancy I’m willing to do it. He said my Protein S came back slightly low before but came back normal in December so he was going to retest it. But would still put me on Lovenox regardless of the results because it seems to act as an additional protection and seems to help the success rates more.

He then sent me to checkout and to go to the lab for the blood work draw and told me to schedule an appointment for 2 weeks away to discuss the blood test results.

Sitting in check out the head of the clinic comes and says he heard about my situation and how long I had to wait and he apologized about 5 times and gave me a token to cover my parking. He then says I will also cover your parking for your next trip here. So he goes out to get an additional token to cover my next trip and also gives me his business card stating if I ever need any assistance or have any issues at the clinic to please give him a call. Um….great thanks.

So I’m then walked to the lab area to walk into a room with like 25 people in it……I’m like you gotta be freaking kidding me. I check in and ask… She said 30 minutes. Exhausted already….what else can go wrong….suck it up and wait.

Finally…… called back. The lady takes out, 1 tube, 2 tubes, 3 tubes, 4,5,6,7,8, and finally ends with 9 tubes. I was like um okay. Could have sworn I just gave 9 tubes in December….but I guess this must be for something different…..asked for a copy of my sheet that show the test…and it is:
· MOCHA (Markers of Coagulation and Hemostatsis Activation)
· Platelet Funcation Assay PFA
· Aspirin Works (Urine)
· CRP – High Sensitivity
· Euglobulin Lysis Time (ELT)
· Factor II Assay
· Factor V Assay
· Favtor VII Assay
· Factor VII Assay
· Factor IX Assay
· Factor X Assay
· Factor XI Assay
· Factor XII Assay
· Fibrinogen Assay
· Lipoprotein
· PAI – 1 Assay
· Plasminogen Assay
· Protein S Antigen
· Protein S Assay
· Thrombin Time (TT)
· Reptilase Time (RT)
· VWF – Antigen

So I go back Feb 10th…to discuss the results.

Icing on the cake. Finally leaving at 3:00 p.m. going to the cashier in the parking garage. Hand her my ticket and $12.00 pop up…I was like well I guess this token did help out a little bit. Hand the lady my token, she hands it back. We don’t take this you parked in the wrong garage to use this. Disgusted again…..I hand her my visa card….we don’t take that either….breathe….T@sh!da…..breathe….I give her $12 cash and go on my way……..I’m really debating emailing that guy to tell him his tokens DID NOT WORK and I want my $12 refunded!

So that was my um…uneventful day at the doctors!

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Finding Hope....

This is a daily devotion that I have sent to me. Today's devotion really struck a nerve, and I wanted to post it here, so when times get tough, my faith is lagging, and I'm having a hard time understanding life and why I'm faced with such hard things to deal with and I need just a little bit of HOPE. I can come back to this post and read it again....and maybe it can bless someone else who may stumble across it and read it as well

Author Gail Rodgers
TruthMedia Internet Group

He called from across the country today. "Is there work out your way?" he asked. He couldn't hide the concern in his voice. He's looking for hope.

The evening news brings vivid pictures of despair in people's lives.

"Lord, where is the hope?" I silently asked.

Immediately a parade of faces flashed through my memory. Faces of people I knew personally who found God to be their anchor and strength in times of great distress and personal loss.

These were people who put their trust in God in spite of seemingly insurmountable circumstances. People whose faith anchored them as I witnessed, first hand, the peace and comfort they received from God. I saw the calm that God gave when they were shaken to the core.

Did they brave the storms of life without tears or fear or moments of loosing it? No, for they are people just like you and I, and storms can be overwhelming. Yet their eyes always turned back to the God they knew. They choose to run to Him and not from Him in their pain. He was there. He is there. For every breaking heart and every hopeless situation He is still there ... today...for you and me.

The words in Psalm 13 from The Bible echo our own at times, as David laments over the agony of his life. He cries out to God with anguished questions. "How long, O Lord, will you forget me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and everyday have sorrow in my heart?"

Having spent himself he then makes a decision. "But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing to the Lord for he has been good to me."

God is big enough for you to beat on His chest and cry out your questions. If you let Him, He will encompass you with His love and quiet your heart and bring rest to your body and soul. He will remind you of blessings you still have in spite of loss.

We choose. When the job is gone, the money won't stretch to the end of the month or our health or relationships leave an uncertain future, God is still there.

Determine to trust Him. Ask Him for guidance and stability every step of your journey. He can navigate you through the maze with comfort and peace that prevails after the tears are spent.
Do you need His hand to steady you today? Do you need to beat on His chest and release your anxiety to Him? He can take the anger, the fear, the hopelessness and give you instead a peace that is beyond understanding... a peace that steadies you in spite of turbulent surroundings.

Invite Him....

Father God in Heaven,

I am tired and spent from the cares of my life and the circumstances that are overwhelming me. Forgive me for going my own way and not acknowledging You in my life. Today I want to change that. Today I want to invite You to lead me and guide me. My own resources are simply not enough. I need Your strength and Your wisdom to help me know the next step. I want to trust in You. Increase my faith and help me walk daily with You. Comfort me, reassure me of Your love and take my life into Your hands. In Jesus' name I pray, amen.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009


Look how far we have come.

Thank you God.......You are truly amazing!

Father God, Lead, Guide and Direct President Obama as he nurtures our country back to full health!

Monday, January 19, 2009

And Check...

After my failed cycle I took a long break. During this break I said that I was done TTC. We had paid out of pocket for the past cycle that ended in a chemical and we will be paying on it for quite sometime. Then a blessing happened and DH's job started offering IVF coverage. 4 to be exact. I took this opportunity and ran with it, because I would never want to have that what if feeling when I had the extra chances there.

So with the new chances came a renewed hope.

I started looking for different RE's who could possible give us a better chance. I wanted to go to CCRM but they were not covered under the insurance. I then looked at SIRM and spoke with Dr. Sher. He is covered and he wants me to do CGH testing which means I would do ER then freeze while the CGH testing is taking place then do a frozen transfer like 6 weeks later. However, with insurance this will use 2 of my attempts. Option 1.

I then set up an appointment with Dr. Slayden at RBA, (the same place my last RE was at) who at my last transfer was going to do my transfer but it was a change of plans. However, during this scheduled transfer that never took place that day he recommended going on Depot Lupron for 3 months then transfer. He wanted me to freeze at that point and come back. That was not going down. For one I was sitting on the table naked, mentally prepared to have my embies transferred into me and I didn't want to leave empty handed or with an empty uterus. But he made suggestions on switching up some meds, doing depot lupron for 3 months and some more things covered in another post. I decided to take him up on this offer. I'm on depot lupron now and due to cycle again in March.

However, I was still keeping my options open because I said if this cycle didn't work, that I would most likely travel to have my next cycle.

A fellow FFer recommended Dr. Levy at Shady Grove in Maryland. I had a phone consultation with him today. And now to the title of my post - And Check....that is one more thing checked off my list to do. Dr. Levy made my decision so easy to be able to scratch his name off of my possibility list.

He made it clear that I have been to two great IVF centers and I haven't been able to get pregnant. In his words "that worries him". HEELLLOOO..thats why I'm searching for someone who maybe has something to offer me. I guess he don't want me messing up his know since two great places in ATL haven't been able to get me pregnant. But basically the only thing he would change in my cycle is to add Lovenox which is already happening the cycle coming up. My appointment was made like 2 months out and he really could have given that time to someone else. Because it was useless to me. First of all the conversation started off badly. He asked me to give him a run down of my history. I asked him if he received my medical files I sent him. He said oh let me check. The files were there like I knew they would be because I personally mailed them myself. I would have thought he would have taken time to read through my file BEFORE the phone consult but no...the first time he placed his hand on my file was when I asked if he had it. So he briefly reads through my file as I'm sitting on the phone waiting. He says I'm trying to read through the file, but its like 200 or so pages, you have a huge file to be just 26. Um, yeah I know! So that irritated me to begin with and then with his exaggeration, because it wasn't 200 pages! But anyway....and check...that is done.

So if this cycle is a failure....looks like I'll be traveling to Vegas to see what Dr. Sher has to offer me. I'm praying I won't need it, but I love to have a plan in place.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Self Reflection.... (pregnancy mnt'd - not mine)

So for those of you who remember the post about my BFF and for those who don't here is the link.

I had to do some self reflecting on this. I kept asking myself why am I so angry with her? What is it that sent me over the edge?

I couldn't come up with an answer.

So I texted her and told her how she hurt me and my reasons I thought I was so hurt as I wasn't too sure what it was. I told her I was embarrassed to tell my family that she was pregnant again by yet another baby daddy, I was hurt that she waited 3 months before she was due to tell me, and I was pissed at the fact she still hadn't learned to use BCPs. She apologized again and said she understood I would be angry about her waiting to tell me, but she didn't think anytime was a good time since I had my chemical in September and she found out in August. She said she never thought about the other things that upset me but that she could understand it.

My mom asked if we were talking again and I told her yes. I told her I couldn't figure out why I was so mad at her, but I knew that I could not stay angry at her especially since I could not figure out why I was so mad. I told her I can't live my life being mad at every friend and family member that was blessed with the gift of easily getting pregnant just because I can't do the same. Although she could have handled it differently I can't stay mad I'm not.

I told her that I would like to be there when she delivers. She is in FL now but was in Cali last time my God baby was born and I made it there about 2 weeks too late. My flight and everything was already booked and I was supposed to be in the delivery room but ended up helping to care for the baby while mommy got some well needed rest. So I told her since I missed it last time I would like to be there this time. She said it would mean the world to her but she wasn't sure if I would be up to it. She said that I was top of the list to be God mother for this child as well, but she didn't want to put too much burden on me since I was already God mother to the first two. Well actually only one of them is my God child because the other was born when I was 14 and even though she asked me to be the God mother then, my mother put her foot down and said no, you're too young. So she named another God mother then but when I do for my God child who is 2 1/2 now I also do for her and she is 12 and considers me her God mother. So I told her when I do for one I do for I have another God baby on the way. She has actually told me that if something happens to me she really wants the kids to be with me. I told her that is fine, but to just make sure she has it in her will so that it is understood with her family once she is gone. The baby was shy at the appointment to tell exactly what it that why the reference is baby.

Now you may think being in the birthing room is hard...but I've been there so many times before. Its almost like I think in some weird way if God see me being able to be happy for others that maybe He will find in His heart to finally bless me with my own.

I haven't mentioned here but I even signed up to be a volunteer at the hospital and to work in the nursery and NICU area. I am still in the midst of all the paperwork, but I actually look forward to getting started. I have so much free time on my hand and I have to do something to keep my mind busy or I sit and think too much about the baby that I don't have. Right now I don't think that working in the nursery will be too hard on me giving my situation, however if it is, I won't hesitate to pull the plug. My sanity and well being is way more important. But I really love babies, really love being around them, they give me a peace...I want to help them. The nursery part will invovle bathing, rocking, changing, etc. The NICU part is only like stocking and helping the parents with things that they need. Sooooo, we will see how it goes.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

2nd shot down

Well tonight will be my second Depot Lupron shot and I'm looking forward to it. Crazy I know...but the quicker they go the quicker I will get to my next cycle. I'm actually looking forward to it (my next cycle that is). I've been on a break since Sept and I'm ready to get back in....I got that itch again.

Depot Lupron hasn't been that bad to me. With the Depot Lupron it makes your body think you're going through menopause and you get the same side effects with it. But the only ones I've really had are hot flashes and headaches. My RE said that he could put me on some add back estrogen but its not that serious. Thats the reason why I'm on Lupron to rid my body of the extra estrogen that feeds my Endo so I'll be a trooper and take the hot flashes!

I will speak to my nurse Tracy tomorrow to go ahead and get my appointments scheduled for February so I can work it out with my job schedule. But starting with my 3rd shot I will be on estrogen patches and prometrium so that I can do a mock cycle to complete another Endo Biopsy and my RE also wants me to get another SHG. All these things were done in November but he wants to do them again right before we cycle to make sure everything is still I'm cool with that.

I have an appointment with the hematologist on January 27th and I'm anxious to talk with him to see what he thinks I may need to do. My RE said depending on what the hematologist thinks I may need to take Lovenox injections for either the first 12 weeks of pregnancy or the entire pregnancy. If I have to do it....bring on the needles....I just want a take home baby or two.

March is coming around slowly but surely and I'm getting excited.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Talking to the Doc...

Good Morning Dr. S,

Tracy called with my results of some of my blood work last night and as always I result to Google to find out just exactly what it means. I wasn't too happy with what I was reading about the Anti-Mullerian results, but its also good to know what we are working with. Everywhere I have read says that my .4 results indicates diminished ovarian reserve and correlated with difficulty conceiving and/or staying pregnant in my case.

I was wondering does having these results in hand, change up anything that we originally spoke about with our future plans as far as protocol and all is concerned?

Is there still a chance I can still conceive with my own eggs with a .4 number?

Thanks in advance

His Response:

Hi Tash!d@

Everyone is addicted to Google but you are smart enough to call and gain perspective!!

The low AMH level validates your prior FSH elevation (I think it was 11.7). But, AMH and FSH "abnormalities" in no way exclude the possibility of a successful pregnancy, even on your own. What they mean is the following:

- More variation in monthly response to FSH shots than the average person (ie: there will be some bad months and, hopefully, some good ones too). The actual outcome is random and unrelated to things you can do. We will use high dose medication to get the most your ovaries have offer in that month.
- Higher chance of cancellation when doing IVF when compared to other patients
- Genetic abnormalities in embryos resulting in miscarriage or Down's syndrome may be more frequent. Miscarriage will be our greatest concern because Down's syndrome, even if increased in frequency, is still uncommon. We'll address this by either doing PGD or transferring a higher than average number of embryos. You will also need to consider testing during pregnancy - even if PGD is "normal".

Hope this helps - by the way, I recently had a patient with an AMH=0.1 successfully conceive with IVF.

Take Care

So that is reassuring.

I emailed DH telling him I felt broke and wanted him to think about donor eggs....his response:

Babe, you are not broken, you are a wonderful woman and god has plans for each and every one of our lives. Let's just wait and see what happens with this cycle before jumping the gun. I know you want a child but I believe that a child should be of his mother and fathers origin. I love you and just be patient for a little while longer.

He's okay with surrogacy, I'm not, I'm okay with adoption, he is not, I would be okay with donor eggs after a lot of thought, he is not. The joys of IF!

So after receiving all of this I decided that its in God's hand and I must leave it in God's hand. I'm just hoping and praying that after all of this, DH and I will not only get pregnant but have a baby to take home at the end of all of this.

Here on Out...

Okay from hear on out I will be known as Tash!d@ or just T and DH will be known as Adr!@n or just A. DH didn't like the fact that when our names were googled that our blog would come up for anyone to read. And this is my outlet, my journal, my screams and my tears! I don't mind sharing it with you my friends in blog world, but with a name like mine.....some people in my real life may read and know that I'm venting about them! (Maybe that would be a good thing...) LOL! But seriously if work or family every decided to google my name, they don't need to know my intimate thoughts, fears, heartaches and tears - they wouldn't understand and would probably just piss me off, telling me that they did understand.

So to confuse the search engine god's we're switching it up a little bit. So I had to go back through some posts that was making the Goggle top 5 list and change up the names. So hopefully he will feel better now.


Okay, now I know....

Okay thanks to Poodle I now know the test name. Its Anti-Mullerian (AMH). This is what I have found so far.....

AMH (Anti-Mullerian Hormone), also known as MIS (Mullerian Inhibitory Substance) is an indirect predictor of the number of remaining follicles (oocytes) in the female ovary. AMH is secreted by the pre-antral and small antral follicles and is not cycle day dependent and can therefore be drawn as a blood test on any day of the menstrual cycle. Furthermore, it is not affected by hormonal conditions such as the use of oral contraceptives. Since AMH is secreted by all of the resting ovarian follicles, a higher value (greater than 0.7) indicates a normal ovarian reserve and is a positive predictor of pregnancy success. A low AMH (less than 0.7) indicates diminished ovarian reserve and is correlated with difficulty conceiving. Although AMH is more a marker of remaining egg numbers, it also may be associated with egg quality.

Not sure if you can see this but it shows the levels and my .4 level falls in the borderline category.

So I may need to give some serious thought to the donor egg thing.....

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Bloodwork update....

Got a call from the nurse today. She had some results from the 9 vials of blood I gave before Christmas and she said she would call later with the rest. She said that our karyotype test came back normal. My thyroid was normal and my iron was okay. She said that my CA-125 was high. Anything >21 means something is active and mine was 29. She said what that means is that my Endometriosis is active right now and being on the lupron depot should help bring this number down before my next cycle. Now the next one I must not have wrote the name down right as I was trying to drive and jot notes at the same time as my nurse called me while I was driving. I thought she said antimalarian but when I google that I come up with only things matching antimalarial which has something to do with malaria…clearly not what I was looking for. But whatever it was called she said it was low, it was .4. She said low normally means poor egg quality and that your ovaries are not doing what they should. I’m going to call and get the exact name tomorrow so that I can google and read up on it myself. She said the doctor was not shocked by this as it is something that he expected already.

I never thought that I may be facing egg quality issues; well yeah I did kind of but not really. I thought my issues were that my endometriosis was effecting implantation. And I know the outer shell of my egg is always thick which is why we need ICSI and that’s caused by the Endo. However, I’ve read that Endo can effect egg quality….I just never thought that it was part of the equation causing things to not work for me.

I just asked DH how he felt about donor eggs. Up until maybe 10 minutes ago I had never thought about it or even thought of it as an option or something we may need. However, I think I would be open to the idea. I am open to adoption, however DH is not, but maybe if he knows the baby is part of him he would be okay with it. When I asked him he was like what, what is donor eggs, what we need that for? And I told him what the nurse had said and he was like but if you can’t carry with your own eggs why you think you can carry with someone else’s eggs. And I told him because we were originally thinking my issues was implantation but if it’s not implantation and it really is egg issues then that would make a difference. I was like if after all these tests, PGD and everything else we are doing and nothing still hasn’t worked how do you feel about donor eggs? I could see he was confused so I told him the gist of it. I was like you look through profiles and you could find someone that looks like me, has my traits, etc and the egg is then fertilized with your sperm and transferred back in me. He was like no…as he sat there with this confused look on his face. He was like you wouldn’t want to do that would you. I was like I just want a baby….I would adopt if I could so it doesn’t matter to me; I just want to be a mommy and would love to carry a baby and experience being pregnant. He was like well let’s talk about this after PGD and we’re not going to need it because your eggs will be fine.

Now the crazy thing is….I would actually be okay with donor eggs, because it could be our secret…not that I would even need or want to hide it. But I am completely against surrogacy. Not for others but just for me and I think it’s for a completely selfish reason. I want to experience being pregnant, I want to give my DH his baby and I feel that although surrogates are doing an amazing thing I just feel like….I don’t know…I don’t know how to explain it. I would be jealous and resentful but thankful at the same time. They were able to give my husband something that I tried for years and years to be able to do and failed at. As you can see I’m not mentally at the point to accept surrogacy but I guess that’s a last and I mean very last resort for me. I have wanted a child since I was like 12. But you know I wanted to do it the right way, get married, and then have kids. Unbeknownst to myself that I would struggle so much to have the one thing that I have wanted since as long as I can remember.

Thursday, January 1, 2009

A New Year With The Lord

A new year has unfold
With new opportunities to explore
Doors will open for new experiences
New adventures with the Lord

Remember not the former things
The things of this past year
The Lord will do new things in us
Much more than we are aware

For He will make a way for us
As we put our trust in Him
And He will guide our every step
By His presence we have within

What God has placed within our hearts
We find we’ll be able to do
If we look for the opportunities
We’ll see the door to go through

We mustn’t let anything hold us back
But rise up and take our place
And be all that God wants us to be
With a fresh touch of His grace

~Author: Unknown ~

Time to shake off the old and get with the new. I'm looking forward to a new year, with new changes and I pray that this will finally be my year!

I pray that everyone has a blessed and prosperous New Year!

"Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habits. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny."~ Frank Outlaw ~