Get out of my head

So as I sit here in the waiting room at the hospital with nothing but time on my hands, I can’t help but to think about my day yesterday.

Firstly, thanks for the prayers for my FIL. They are planning to do open heart surgery tomorrow, but they think the kidneys may fail when they start the surgery so the plan is to hook him up to a dialysis machine and keep performing the heart surgery if this happens. So again, please keep my husband and his family in your prayers.

Now my mind has been elsewhere the rest of the time being here because I can’t help but to think about how I feel about how I’m always skipped over and those who don’t deserve always get. Why must I continue to have to go through all that I go through to try to get one child when others can just pop them out like its nothing? I’ve always told my BFF that our relationship is demanding and very one way, she requires a lot from me and expects a lot and often it isn’t returned. I’ve had to put her in her place on things to say and things not to say about me being infertile and the battles we have fought and continue to fight. We didn’t speak for over a year after she had her first abortion back in 2002, but yet we still always seem to come back. I just don’t get it. Don’t get the timing, don’t get the reasons, just don’t get it!

I’m sitting here and should have my full attention on my DH and his needs and I can’t seem to shake myself out of this pity party slump I’ve been in since her text. Not that it wasn’t enough that that’s all I thought about the ten hour ride up here, but now its haunting my every thought still today. I don’t want to bitter and I don’t want to be angry and I don’t want her to think that I’m reacting the way I am because I’m a bitter infertile, but it’s so much deeper and feelings so much deeper that I can’t even begin to explain. I’ve tried to figure out the feelings and why I’m so angry and I just keep coming back to the same thing about her being careless and selfish.

I want so much to let this go and not think about it anymore, but how can I do that when I close my eyes, I’m haunted by a picture of her growing belly in my head, haunted by the thoughts that her 12 year old will now have even more responsibility on her than what she already had with the youngest girl, haunted by the thoughts of everything! What was done so horrible in my life that I must endure this endless battle of infertility while others just take for granted what they have and can’t be responsible and protect themselves if they “can’t help that God made them fertile!”

I need to let go, and I need to move on. Why? Why did she pick this time to tell me? She knew we were on the road going up to Ohio because DH’s dad was sick. She knew this because we exchanged text messages before she sent the ‘bomb’. And the way she started her text message was this (this is word for word as I still have the messages in my phone):
Her: Can I ask you a question
Me: Sure
Her: Are your feelings still the same as they have been lately as far as having kids are concerned?
Me: Oh my bad girl. How did I forget to update you. DH jobs offers 4 ivfs so we switched to his insurance which starts Jan 1. I switched docs and will do another cycle in March. Right now on lupron which should help with the endo.
Her: So the title of this book is “I DIDN’T KNOW HOW”
Her: Yeah that update was slightly missed an I need 2 tell you that I’m pregnant but really don’t know how 2 tell u….told myself that I would tell u by the end of the year but I just really didn’t want to hurt you with my words like before so I’ve been trying to figure out what was the best way to come to u an say I’m 6 months pregnant due in April an that is another reason why me being unemployed right now really shook me and compounded the whole issue. Did and still really don’t know how to say any of this…cried last night on Ant chest because I told him that I wanted/needed to tell you but I didn’t know the repercussions there might be for not telling you long ago. There could be feeling of you ain’t been told me an my answer is because of what you were going through I thought this was not the thing to be discussing an I’ve been monitoring you on how you’ve been handling DH’s cousin pregnancy and birth just to get an idea of what your reaction might be. Then you may feel I’m her BFF so why could she tell me if any body know it should be me right, I’ve wanted to tell you for so long an concerning anybody knowing just know that only the good Lord, Anthony and my mom knows, no one else and no one in SC knows and I will be going there Friday (talk about a shock) but for any feelings that I may have caused u that are negative I apologize first and foremost. U my girl and u always tell me that I can come to you about anything but your BFF tries to guard or consider your feeling because of her actions I ask that you please forgive me please don’t take me not saying nothing as withholding anything from you because I only did it because I didn’t know how to tell you. And if your mind take a back a bit and you begin to wonder was I pregnant when I came to visit you the answer is yes, but I didn’t know. I found out August 30 after I was home for my grandfather death and had been drinking like a fish. And when you came here to visit me yes was pregnant then also with a little pudge but you didn’t notice. You may say to yourself why tell me now and the answer is because one you mentioned you would try again which signifies your hope for you which means a lot to me after at 2 points you had given up on it. Two I was gonna tell you before the end of the year but with you traveling due to circumstances there may not be time to discuss such with the outcome with Adr!@n’s dad being unknown and three because I can’t wait anymore. You should hear the ideas I had of how to come an tell you and to be honest texting you wasn’t even a thought. Even now I await a response like a kid sitting outside the principal office….so…..
Me: Don’t call me your BFF because if I was your azz wouldn’t be sitting over there 6 months pregnant and your so called BFF just finding out. You so full of it and don’t try to act like you waited to tell me jack because of my feelings because you could have been woman enough to tell me when I was there with you. I should have let this mess go when you went in detail with me how you felt about me and my sh!t stinking. You don’t think and I don’t know how many d@mn oops pregnancies you gotta have before you get smart enough to use protection. Whatever! Do you! Thanks for your wonderful news 3 days before Christmas….and what this is your fourth pregnancy to my none like Christmas ain’t already hard enough. Man WTF ever! Your BFF….yeah WTF ever on that note too!
Her: So you see no time was the right time it just had to be a time chosen. I was thinking it would be hard then and look its hard now so when was the right time, there wasn’t any. And don’t try to back track to our falling out over the summer because this has nothing to do with that. Stop being a runner and expecting even our relationship to be perfect because that’s what make us us. We get through stuff. I’m not asking you to carry me or anything of that sort, gosh with everything you don’t even have to be there for me on this matter. I said nothing because I didn’t want this outcome with you and look who’s to say speaking up then would have made any difference. I’m fertile an that’s how God created me and if I could give you my insides, then I would hands down. So you tell me what am I to do? I pray I have faith an I believe you two will give birth. You didn’t react like this with Adr!@n cousin so why with me????
Her: I’m not going to entertain the past with you about our falling out because that has nothing to do with this. Yes me getting pregnant was not planned but had I aborted it and asked you to be there for me on that you would have been bothered about that too. If I had aborted it and said nothing till years later after you had given birth to twins, me aborting a child would have still bothered you. I tell you I found someone I wanted to marry an I’m pregnant by them and because I waited because I didn’t know your response I bothered you (side note: this will be her 4th engagement and 3rd marriage! Reminder...we both are 26)….HOW WAS I TO TELL YOU AND NOT BOTHER YOU. THAT IS WHAT I WAS TRYING TO DO? With you I try Tash!d@, I try to the best of my ability to handle things right with our differences and dunn its like again I fail. Why because I did consider your feelings toward this or because I just didn’t get it right on how to deal with this once again????
Me: Stop texting me and don’t call me either. Best of luck to you and yours.
(after this she called my phone 16 times, back to back! – I didn’t answer any of them)
Her: Tash!d@ please stop acting like that an just talk to me. If after talking your decision is the same then what can I do.
Her: Will you please talk to me about this? You embraced Adr!an cousin what did I do so terribly wrong???
Her: Just once could you please answer….just once please.
Her: Well it seems like you’ve given up on me like before and like before I’m not giving up on you. If you are upset with me then fine I’ll give you your space but until you tell me why it is that you’re willing to turn your back on our friendship for good I will not let up. Let’s be for real what do I have to lose here. If your done then you’re done but if not your gonna talk to me. Remember its those things we hold closest that we fight for and friendships are not excluded. Love you girl no matter what.

So those were the text….word…for word….and I can’t seem to shake them out of my head and move on!