Sunday, December 28, 2008

Back home...

DH and I made it back home safe and sound, after the long 10 hour ride. FIL is doing a lot better and was going to get released today but his blood pressure was up, so maybe tomorrow.

Friday, December 26, 2008

ICU Part II

Well DH's father was discharged from the ICU yesterday around 4pm. We went to his grandmothers to have Christmas dinner. His father was napping and it looked like he was still have a few issues breathing while he was sleeping. We finished eating and they (mom & dad) went home and we made another stop. DH and his brother decided to go to their cousin's bar for a few drinks. DH was adamant that I go, I was adamant that I didn't want to go. For some reason I just wasn't feeling going out last night. Low and Behold around 1:30 his mom comes and knocks on my door and said I gotta take Dad back to the ER. I get up and call Adr!@n and they rushed back. It was very very icy out and Dad didn't want to call an Ambulance so we drove him to the hospital. I probably held my breath the whole time by the way DH was driving. We took two cars and we made it there before they did to try to get someone ready for when they drove up. Nothing happened. By the time they drove up, DH was cursing at anything breathing because no one was moving. I ended up grabbing a wheelchair and pushed it outside myself to get Dad inside. He was gasping for air and crying and this put Adr!@n and his brother and sister over the edge. It was tough to watch and DH was so upset and angry, one of those you have to stay out the way and just let him work through it type deals.

His Dad was made stable and finally checked back in into ICU around 6:15 into the same room he was in earlier....3138. We finally leave the hospital around 6:30 but his mom stayed here with his dad. We were back up here at 11. So needless to say we are all working off fumes right now. The docs think his dad may have had a minor heart attack last night, and they are now discussing what treatments will be happening now.

We were planning on going back home on Sunday, but I'm not sure what DH's plans are now. We originally drove up here, but I may just fly back on Sunday so I can get back to work, or maybe DH will drive us back on Sunday and fly back out if he is needed. Right now its all up in the air.

So keep the prayers coming....we still need them.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

FIL Update....

Thanks again for the prayers.

Update on FIL:

They ended up going in with a catheter first and they found that his valve on his heart wasn’t as closed as they originally thought and he may not need open heart surgery after all.

He is still at the hospital recovering from that procedure and hopefully will be able to go home tomorrow.

About the BFF issue, I really just need a break from all that drama. I can’t help but to think about her, but I refuse to go there with her. Maybe sometime in the new year or after my cycle in March, but definitely no time soon!

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Get out of my head

So as I sit here in the waiting room at the hospital with nothing but time on my hands, I can’t help but to think about my day yesterday.

Firstly, thanks for the prayers for my FIL. They are planning to do open heart surgery tomorrow, but they think the kidneys may fail when they start the surgery so the plan is to hook him up to a dialysis machine and keep performing the heart surgery if this happens. So again, please keep my husband and his family in your prayers.

Now my mind has been elsewhere the rest of the time being here because I can’t help but to think about how I feel about how I’m always skipped over and those who don’t deserve always get. Why must I continue to have to go through all that I go through to try to get one child when others can just pop them out like its nothing? I’ve always told my BFF that our relationship is demanding and very one way, she requires a lot from me and expects a lot and often it isn’t returned. I’ve had to put her in her place on things to say and things not to say about me being infertile and the battles we have fought and continue to fight. We didn’t speak for over a year after she had her first abortion back in 2002, but yet we still always seem to come back. I just don’t get it. Don’t get the timing, don’t get the reasons, just don’t get it!

I’m sitting here and should have my full attention on my DH and his needs and I can’t seem to shake myself out of this pity party slump I’ve been in since her text. Not that it wasn’t enough that that’s all I thought about the ten hour ride up here, but now its haunting my every thought still today. I don’t want to bitter and I don’t want to be angry and I don’t want her to think that I’m reacting the way I am because I’m a bitter infertile, but it’s so much deeper and feelings so much deeper that I can’t even begin to explain. I’ve tried to figure out the feelings and why I’m so angry and I just keep coming back to the same thing about her being careless and selfish.

I want so much to let this go and not think about it anymore, but how can I do that when I close my eyes, I’m haunted by a picture of her growing belly in my head, haunted by the thoughts that her 12 year old will now have even more responsibility on her than what she already had with the youngest girl, haunted by the thoughts of everything! What was done so horrible in my life that I must endure this endless battle of infertility while others just take for granted what they have and can’t be responsible and protect themselves if they “can’t help that God made them fertile!”

I need to let go, and I need to move on. Why? Why did she pick this time to tell me? She knew we were on the road going up to Ohio because DH’s dad was sick. She knew this because we exchanged text messages before she sent the ‘bomb’. And the way she started her text message was this (this is word for word as I still have the messages in my phone):
Her: Can I ask you a question
Me: Sure
Her: Are your feelings still the same as they have been lately as far as having kids are concerned?
Me: Oh my bad girl. How did I forget to update you. DH jobs offers 4 ivfs so we switched to his insurance which starts Jan 1. I switched docs and will do another cycle in March. Right now on lupron which should help with the endo.
Her: So the title of this book is “I DIDN’T KNOW HOW”
Her: Yeah that update was slightly missed an I need 2 tell you that I’m pregnant but really don’t know how 2 tell u….told myself that I would tell u by the end of the year but I just really didn’t want to hurt you with my words like before so I’ve been trying to figure out what was the best way to come to u an say I’m 6 months pregnant due in April an that is another reason why me being unemployed right now really shook me and compounded the whole issue. Did and still really don’t know how to say any of this…cried last night on Ant chest because I told him that I wanted/needed to tell you but I didn’t know the repercussions there might be for not telling you long ago. There could be feeling of you ain’t been told me an my answer is because of what you were going through I thought this was not the thing to be discussing an I’ve been monitoring you on how you’ve been handling DH’s cousin pregnancy and birth just to get an idea of what your reaction might be. Then you may feel I’m her BFF so why could she tell me if any body know it should be me right, I’ve wanted to tell you for so long an concerning anybody knowing just know that only the good Lord, Anthony and my mom knows, no one else and no one in SC knows and I will be going there Friday (talk about a shock) but for any feelings that I may have caused u that are negative I apologize first and foremost. U my girl and u always tell me that I can come to you about anything but your BFF tries to guard or consider your feeling because of her actions I ask that you please forgive me please don’t take me not saying nothing as withholding anything from you because I only did it because I didn’t know how to tell you. And if your mind take a back a bit and you begin to wonder was I pregnant when I came to visit you the answer is yes, but I didn’t know. I found out August 30 after I was home for my grandfather death and had been drinking like a fish. And when you came here to visit me yes was pregnant then also with a little pudge but you didn’t notice. You may say to yourself why tell me now and the answer is because one you mentioned you would try again which signifies your hope for you which means a lot to me after at 2 points you had given up on it. Two I was gonna tell you before the end of the year but with you traveling due to circumstances there may not be time to discuss such with the outcome with Adr!@n’s dad being unknown and three because I can’t wait anymore. You should hear the ideas I had of how to come an tell you and to be honest texting you wasn’t even a thought. Even now I await a response like a kid sitting outside the principal office….so…..
Me: Don’t call me your BFF because if I was your azz wouldn’t be sitting over there 6 months pregnant and your so called BFF just finding out. You so full of it and don’t try to act like you waited to tell me jack because of my feelings because you could have been woman enough to tell me when I was there with you. I should have let this mess go when you went in detail with me how you felt about me and my sh!t stinking. You don’t think and I don’t know how many d@mn oops pregnancies you gotta have before you get smart enough to use protection. Whatever! Do you! Thanks for your wonderful news 3 days before Christmas….and what this is your fourth pregnancy to my none like Christmas ain’t already hard enough. Man WTF ever! Your BFF….yeah WTF ever on that note too!
Her: So you see no time was the right time it just had to be a time chosen. I was thinking it would be hard then and look its hard now so when was the right time, there wasn’t any. And don’t try to back track to our falling out over the summer because this has nothing to do with that. Stop being a runner and expecting even our relationship to be perfect because that’s what make us us. We get through stuff. I’m not asking you to carry me or anything of that sort, gosh with everything you don’t even have to be there for me on this matter. I said nothing because I didn’t want this outcome with you and look who’s to say speaking up then would have made any difference. I’m fertile an that’s how God created me and if I could give you my insides, then I would hands down. So you tell me what am I to do? I pray I have faith an I believe you two will give birth. You didn’t react like this with Adr!@n cousin so why with me????
Her: I’m not going to entertain the past with you about our falling out because that has nothing to do with this. Yes me getting pregnant was not planned but had I aborted it and asked you to be there for me on that you would have been bothered about that too. If I had aborted it and said nothing till years later after you had given birth to twins, me aborting a child would have still bothered you. I tell you I found someone I wanted to marry an I’m pregnant by them and because I waited because I didn’t know your response I bothered you (side note: this will be her 4th engagement and 3rd marriage! Reminder...we both are 26)….HOW WAS I TO TELL YOU AND NOT BOTHER YOU. THAT IS WHAT I WAS TRYING TO DO? With you I try Tash!d@, I try to the best of my ability to handle things right with our differences and dunn its like again I fail. Why because I did consider your feelings toward this or because I just didn’t get it right on how to deal with this once again????
Me: Stop texting me and don’t call me either. Best of luck to you and yours.
(after this she called my phone 16 times, back to back! – I didn’t answer any of them)
Her: Tash!d@ please stop acting like that an just talk to me. If after talking your decision is the same then what can I do.
Her: Will you please talk to me about this? You embraced Adr!an cousin what did I do so terribly wrong???
Her: Just once could you please answer….just once please.
Her: Well it seems like you’ve given up on me like before and like before I’m not giving up on you. If you are upset with me then fine I’ll give you your space but until you tell me why it is that you’re willing to turn your back on our friendship for good I will not let up. Let’s be for real what do I have to lose here. If your done then you’re done but if not your gonna talk to me. Remember its those things we hold closest that we fight for and friendships are not excluded. Love you girl no matter what.

So those were the text….word…for word….and I can’t seem to shake them out of my head and move on!

Monday, December 22, 2008

Gut punch!

So we are on our way to Toledo because DH’s father is in ICU. Its about a 10 hour ride for us. After being on the road for about an hour my best friend texted me. This is my best friend since the 2nd grade so a little over 19 years we have been best friends. She knows my history and all that I’ve been through. So she text me to tell me that she is 6 months pregnant and that she is just now telling me because she didn’t know how to tell me and didn’t want to hurt me. Now that wouldn’t be that bad except this makes the fourth time she has been pregnant during the time I’ve been trying to get pregnant and the 5th oops pregnancy. She aborted one, miscarried one and had one and she got pregnant in the 7th grade and has that one as well, so in all she has 2 kids right now and one on the way. I’ve already been providing and doing for the two that she got to make up for what she don’t have since she is a single mother, so why be so dunn careless. She was like she didn’t want to tell me because she didn’t want to upset me and didn’t think no other time was a good time. Okay really, so you wait a few days before Christmas to tell me about another one of your oops pregnancies like Christmas isn’t already hard enough. Mind you this is all through text message. She didn’t have the balls to tell me face to face or over the phone and she has had the opportunity to do both. She came to visit me I think in August and I went there (FL) and she didn’t mention it or hint at it not one bit. She then has the nerve to tell me that she can’t help God made her fertile and that she would give me her insides if she could. I am so over this so called friendship. In her text she kept saying I was trying to protect you my bestest of best best friend and I was like yeah WTF ever because if I were your bestest of best best friend, I wouldn’t be finding out that you’re 6 months pregnant today through a dunn text message. I told her don’t text me and don’t call me again, because I’m so tired and so done with this. After that she called my phone like 16 times and I ignored every single call. I don’t know if I’m more pissed that she is so freaking careless and in no position to care for another child right now and wasn’t more careful, or the fact that she waited 3 months before the baby was due to tell me. And the reason why she probably told me now is because she is going to our hometown on Friday and maybe she thought word would get back to me some other kind of way. If it hadn’t been for that she probably wouldn’t have told me at all. I tried to explain to DH how I felt, I told him that I felt like I had been gut punched but he doesn’t understand it. The more I sit here on this 10 hour ride and think about all the phone conversations we have had, the visit to Florida I made to go visit her and how she could just sit on the phone with me and act like everything was oh so fine knowing she laying around knocked up by yet another baby daddy. I’m so disgusted with the whole thing the whole idea and this friendship. She then text DH’s phone since I wasn’t responding to her on my phone and told him to tell me that she guess I have given up on her yet again but she wasn’t going to give up on me and if I really didn’t want this friendship anymore that I should at least tell her why and that she would still be there for the birth of her godchild (talking about when I get pregnant). Didn’t respond to that text either. Oh yeah she also said you accepted DH cousin’s pregnancy so whats so wrong that I did for you not to accept mine. Um lets see…maybe the fact that its your 4th one in a matter of how long and all by different men, and you barely make ends meet with the two that you got, you’re careless and you always have been!

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

IVF Consult

Okay so the IVF Consult with Dr. Slayden (Dr. S from here on out) at RBA was today. His office is in Lawrenceville and not at the main office. That is one heck of a ride! 40 minutes north from my job and I live 45 minutes south from my job so yep...do the math...that one crazy ride from my house straight to the doctors!

So I left feeling kind of iffy and kind of okay. There were some things he said that I particularly didn't like and some things he said that I liked. So let's start from the beginning.
He started out with small talk about Adr!@n and I and where we were from, what we did for a living, etc.

Then he spends like the next 20 minutes talking about me being a beta-thalessemia carrier and Adr!@n being a sickle-cell carrier, if the two link up it causes Sickle Cell Disease. We knew this already as we went through this with Dr. Perloe my first doctor. He (Dr. Perloe) really wanted us to do PGD so that we wouldn't take the 25% chance that the baby might get Sickle Cell Disease and 75% that the baby wouldn't. After being sent to a genetic counselor to discuss all the horrible things that could happen if we didn't get PGD to test for this, many sleepless nights, prayers and weeks contemplating we decided against doing PGD. Dr. Perloe (who by the way has the worse bed-side manner ever) was clearly pissed with our decision and didn't try to hide that he was pissed. I left this man's office in tears on many occasions! So I let Dr. S continue on with how he felt it was so important and told him that we were thinking about doing PGD anyway to transfer normal embryos back but that Dr. ML had said we could only test for one or the other. We couldn't test for Sickle Cell and test to see if they were normal. Dr. S said that he would speak to the embryologist to see if we could test for that as well as maybe 5 out of the 9 they normally test. Then he goes on to say that they would want at least 10-12 great looking embies before they would want to do PGD which we all know I haven't been getting. He then said I could get pregnant and do some test at 12 weeks to see and if the baby has the disease we could terminate pregnancy, which I immediately shot down as that is NOT an option for me. He then said we could do like 3 IVF's with no transfer to bank embies then do PGD then transfer. That's crazy and by the time that's done I will have done 8 IVF's and that's out the question! So we came to the conclusion if we have enough we will discuss it then and if not, Adr!@n and I are content in our decision we made in the past as it wasn't a decision we made lightly but we took weeks to discuss it, think about it and pray about it. I told him how Dr. P acted when we made our decision and asked him if he would act like that as I can see its something he feels strongly about and he said no. We are two grown people and are both able to make our own decisions he just wanted us to be educated on the decision we were making.

Next topic:

He said that he would want me to go on Depot Lupron for 3 months instead of 2. He said the first month doesn't really count as a month because you're not suppressed your body is just working up to the suppression so it would be more like 2 1/2 months of full Lupron effect.

He said that he sees Dr. ML was looking to do the Flare protocol following the Depot Lupron treatment and that is the wrong choice. He said the Flare protocol wants to capture the LH surge in your body to get the follicles to start growing. But if I've been on Depot Lupron I wont' have ANY LH in my system because the Lupron has shut my body down, which would lead to no response or a horrible response.

He said he would do a protocol similar to what Dr. Perloe did which is the cycle I had my best response on. (HELLOOOOO....Have I not been screaming this to Dr. ML for the past 3 cycles!! Pisses me off!!!!)))) With Dr. P I was on 300 Bravelle which is pure FSH and I was on 75 Menopur which is LH. He said as you can see that's not 50/50 and I would do more 50/50 to hopefully get a better response, because we have to wake your ovaries after being sleep on Depot Lupron. His (Dr. S) protocol for me would be 150 Gonal-F and 150 Menopur twice a day. The last month on Depot Lupron he would put me on a low dose of estrogen (patches) and a low dose of progesterone (I think causing a mock transfer cycle type deal) and then do another endo biopsy so that he has a better feel of how I would respond. He also said that he want to do another SGH a couple of weeks before the biopsy to make sure I don't have any polyops. He will then put me on a low dose of lupron and I would begin stims 28-30 days after my last shot. He said he also noticed that Dr.P had me on a lot of stuff after the transfer like PIO shots, estrogen patches, endometriams (I think that's the name -- the white tablets you stick up in your ya-ya). But anywho he said he would also have me on PIO shots as well as the endometriams to make sure I'm getting enough progesterone.

He said that with no PGD testing he would consider transferring 4 or 5. Which scares the beejezus out of me! I was cool with 3 fresh because I want twins and figured transferring 3 wouldn't be that bad. I was cool when we transferred 4 last time because 2 were frozen and I know that effects the quality of them. But honestly transferring 4 or 5 FRESH....scares me! He said Normal PGD's embryos he would probably transfer 3. He said seeing that I am not okay with terminating a pregnancy he knows I will not be okay with selective reduction so this is something to think about when deciding how many to transfer but given my history he wants to be aggressive.

I asked about the extra folic acid - Folgard, and he said it wouldn't hurt but wouldn't help either. He said I would be on Rhogam or something like that because I have O- blood if I needed it while pregnant and not Folgard.

He said that my bloodtest showed that my Protein S was low and this keeps the blood from clotting. He said that sometimes the tests are not reliable so he will recheck it and if its still low he will put me on Lovanox. I was like funny you mention that because that was one of my questions to ask you. I told him Dr. ML had said she was going to put me on Heparin and he said that stuff is horrible and from the 1950's. (Susan you were correct! xoxo) He said he would test it again if it comes back low he would put me on Lovanox for the first 12 weeks. But also gave me a referral to see Dr. Duncan at Emory Hospital here who is a Hematologist to determine if I need to be on the entire pregnancy and maybe 6 weeks after the pregnancy (Thanks again Susan! xoxo) I have her number and I will call to set up an appointment with her soon.

He said in Nov 07 my FSH was 11.7 which is high and high normally means decreased egg quality. No one ever told me my FSH was high...hum. He said in women under 30 high normally doesn't carry any weight, it normally matters in older women, but since I don't respond like younger women, he would keep an eye on it. Can't get it tested again before cycling because I will be on Lupron.

Oh yeah he wants me to start Lupron TONIGHT! He said if we waited till day 3 of my cycle like Dr. ML was going to do that it surges the ovaries and make follicles and that's the opposite effect that we want. So he said right now in the lutheal phase of my cycle is the best time to start. He told me to take a pregnancy test but even if I did, it would be too early to tell anything, but what are the chances of that happening anyway....so I'm not worried about that.

He sent me to get bloodwork. Ended up getting 8 tubes done! He is checking:
-Progesterone (guess to make sure its functioning correctly since I already ovulated) -CA-125 which is a level check and they can use it as a marker. With Endometriosis it's normally higher and he will want to check it again after my Depot Lupron treatment to see if it has decreased. He said with some women it does decrease and some women it doesn't....but he still wanted to check.
-Thyroid because of my mother having issues with it -Something about Claumidia. He said even though I have never tested positive for it, he said sometimes he notice women with Endo sometimes have had it and the anti-body for Claumidia could still be in the bloodstream and if so he would want to treat that with a strong Anti-body for 2 weeks.
-Protein S - blood clotting
And some other things that I can't remember.

Okay so the things that I didn't like......

He talked about donor eggs the first time meeting me. I know I got a few cycles under my belt but clearly the protocol I've been on the past few cycles hasn't been the best for me. I say no, I'm not ready for that and he says good, because I didn't want you to go that route. Then why did you bring it up in the first place!

2nd he brings up gestational surrogacy on our first meeting. I cut him off before he can even get it out his mouth good as he is saying I'm not sure if you're aware of this. I tell him I'm fully aware of it as my husband always brings it up and it's an argument every time. He said, oh okay I see. I just wanted to mention it because a lot of women have never thought about it and when I mention it to them they say wow I can do that I've had people offer to carry for me. I was like well yeah I've had people offer to carry for me too, but its not what I want to do. He says again.....good because I didn't want you to. Then why did you mention it then!

These two points didn't come up at the end and they didn't come up at the same time, but I just saved them for the end.

I think that's about it. He (Dr. S) gave us the okay to have Adr!@n give me my Lupron shot, so we will attempt that tonight.

Oh yeah my Endo Biopsy came back normal - can't remember if I shared that already and my Karyotype results came back normal. Still waiting on Adr!@n's Karyotype results.

So that's that. Even with the 3 months of Lupron we're still aiming for a March IVF!

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

My plan....

Well my plan is not working out too well. Dr. Ory in FL doesn't do phone consults, wants to see all his patients in person for the consult. I'm not going all the way to FL to meet him and I may not like him or what he has to say. Dr. Levy will do a phone consult but they are already in the January appointment booking, so I'm not sure what I'm going to do about that.

What I'm thinking is I may just swtich to Dr. Toledo at RBA and if it doesn't work this time with the Lupron then look at going to Dr. Levy depending on his Endo back ground or to Dr. Sher for the next attempt.

Monday, December 8, 2008

More Thoughts for the day

One of the girls on another board gave me Integramed website address, I had never heard of this before but I was able to find an article about Endo and the article was written by Surrey and Ory and at the end of the article it had links to Surrey and Ory so I figured if this guy is on the same article with Surrey they must be on the same page. He is in FL. (For those that don't know. Surrey is at CCRM and I would like to cycle with him as he is knowledgeable on Endo, but CCRM is not covered by my insurance).

So I submitted a request for an appointment with Dr. Ory as he seems knowledgeable on Endo.

I submitted a request for an appointment with Dr. Levy at Shady Grove Fertility that one of my fellow FFs recommended.

And I also have a request in at RBA to have a consult with Dr. Toledo who is the doctor that was going to do my transfer last time that suggested me going on Depot Lupron for two months. He said that he had amazing results doing this protocol. But lying naked on the transfer table really wasn't the best time to be having this conversation with him. RBA called and left me a message and said I have to fill out this form requesting to change doctors and both doctors have to sign off on it and she said that I shouldn't feel bad about it because it happens all the time at the clinic.

I really want to try the Lupron Depot because even the article written by Surrey & Ory said "Traditional medical therapies, for example Lupron or Danazol, do not enhance pregnancy rates when given alone," says Surrey. "However, we have recently shown that pre-treatment of endometriosis patients with Lupron prior to an IVF cycle significantly improved IVF pregnancy rates."

And even Dr. Toledo at RBA said the same thing....so even if I haven't made a decision who I'm going to go with to cycle with I can still do my injection at the end of December as planned because my OB/GYN said they would give me the injection.


As this is not a last result attempt for me, I don't think CGH is a pressing issue for me right now which Dr. Sher at SIRM is pushing. Especially after what I read about the Micro-Dose Lupron last night (recap here). I think I just need to find someone who will get my protocol right. If I do 2 more cycles and still nothing has worked then I think I would want CGH. I still may get PGD done with this cycle just to know we are putting normal ones back.

Response to Anonymous...

Anonymous: Funny you mention that, as Dr. T is the one that originally recommended at my last transfer about doing the Depot Lupron. I just didn't know if it would feel funny switching to him at the same clinic. Maybe funny is not the right word but 'bad air' like would Dr. ML get mad. But you know at this point I shouldn't even care.

But what I'm trying to decide is should I switch to Dr. T or switch clinics all together.

Email Tag...

From me to Nurse:


Good Morning Nancy ,

I’ve spent my weekend Googling different things concerning IVF after having another phone consultation with a doctor based in Las Vegas . He suggested that Micro-Flare Protocol was the worst protocol that a patient with Endometriosis could be on. This is what triggered my endless internet searching this weekend.


However, I couldn’t find anything to support his comment but I did find the suggested dosage for those on Micro-Flare protocol:

This is from
dfwivf.com - the Micro-Dose Lupron 0.2 cc (40 μg), every 12 hours, and
continue daily, until time of hCG. Please Note: Micro-Dose Lupron is a special diluted
Lupron prepared by mixing 0.4 cc (2 mg) of standard Lupron with 10 cc of normal saline.
This will be prepared by our office or your pharmacy.


This is from
ivf.ca/flare - Start Lupron on the third pill free day. We use a 50ug dose of Lupron twice daily -AM and PM- for these flare cycles. 50ug is a very small dose as compared to the usual Long Lupron protocol dose of 0.5mg (500ug). The Lupron needs to be diluted by the pharmacy or the doctor's office in order to be able to inject such a low dose.

This is from
centerforhumanreprod.com
F.Y.I. Lupron Dose Equivalents:
0.25 mg = 5 units (Ta) = .05cc
0.5 mg – 10 units (IU) = .1cc
1.0 mg = 20 units (IU) = .2cc
If you are on a “micro-dose” Lupron, stimulation, most likely it will come pre-mixed, if not we will dilute the Lupron for you.

You may be wondering why this is important. After reading the dosages above, I go to my refrigerator and pull out my box of Lupron. It is the regular Leuprolide Acetate Injection 1mg/0.2mL and not the diluted Lupron that should be used for Micro-Flare. So all this time I’ve thought I was on the Micro-Flare Protocol I have actually been injecting 20 units of regular full strength Lupron. This explains why I wasn’t getting a response to Follistim and also explains why it was taking a full 7 days of stims before getting any response from the stimulation drugs.


I am having a hard time understanding how this could happen two cycles in a row without it being caught by anyone. I was under the impression the Lupron that I picked up from Concord Pharmacy that was ordered for me was the Micro-Flare Lupron I needed for my cycle and all I needed to do was follow my instructions given to me. I feel that this is a huge oops by someone and it explains a lot. Injecting that much of a dose at the beginning of a stim cycle would definitely shut down the ovaries and possibly damage the eggs trying to grow which could explain the back to back chemicals since all my other testing are proving to be normal.
As I’m having a hard time trying to figure out how this happened, I’m hoping that you can explain to me what happened.

Thanks,
Tash!d@


From Nurse to Me:

Hi Tash!d@ – I don’t know where you got the idea you were on a micro-dose flare protocol. You were on a modified flare. Micro-dose flare is usually used on low responders – which has not been your problem. I am happy to pass on this information to Dr. Mitchell, but if you have questions about your protocol, you may want to gather all your information and come in to talk to her again – just so she can explain what she has prescribed for you and why she chose this protocol. Just give Stephanie a call if you want to set something up. Thanks. Nancy .

From Me to Nurse:

Hi Nancy,

I got it from Dr. ML as in all her consults with me she said Micro-Dose Flare which she said she was using after my Nov 1, 07 cycle for a better response. Not one time have I heard modified flare in any of my consults with her. I was told I was on Micro-Dose for Feb and Sept. Even in the follow-up I just had with her MDF was mentioned again.


From Nurse to Me:

Tash!d@ – I had Dr. Mitchell read your letter, and in 7 years of working for her, I have never done a micro-dose flare protocol – and she just doesn’t do them, so I’m not sure where the confusion came in, but I think it might be good for you to come talk to Dr. Mitchell so we can clear all of this up. Nancy.

So right now, I don't know what to think, what to feel, and still don't know what to do!

Sunday, December 7, 2008

What a mistake......

So I think I have made my decision. ……

I was googling Micro-Flare Lupron Protocol trying to see if I could find some information to support what Dr. Sher told me about it being bad for those with endo. However, what I found is the dose that you should be on when doing the Micro-Flaore Lupron Protocol.

This is from dfwivf.com - the Micro-Dose Lupron 0.2 cc (40 μg), every 12 hours, and
continue daily, until time of hCG. Please Note: Micro-Dose Lupron is a special diluted
Lupron prepared by mixing 0.4 cc (2 mg) of standard Lupron with 10 cc of normal saline.
This will be prepared by our office or your pharmacy.

This is from ivf.ca/flare - Start Lupron on the third pill free day. We use a 50ug dose of Lupron twice daily -AM and PM- for these flare cycles. 50ug is a very small dose as compared to the usual Long Lupron protocol dose of 0.5mg (500ug). The Lupron needs to be diluted by the pharmacy or the doctor's office in order to be able to inject such a low dose.

This is from centerforhumanreprod.com –
F.Y.I. Lupron Dose Equivalents:
0.25 mg = 5 units (Ta) = .05cc
0.5 mg – 10 units (IU) = .1cc
1.0 mg = 20 units (IU) = .2cc
If you are on a “micro-dose” Lupron, stimulation, most likely it will come pre-mixed, if not we will dilute the Lupron for you.

This is a question asked to one of those doctor websites: Dear doctor, I`m currently under my first IVF treatment using Microdose Lupron Protocol. However, I mistakenly got a regular-dose (1mg/0.2ml, 20 units per injection) Lupron administration kit from a pharmacy, and it is 20 times stronger than the micro-dose (50mcg/0.2cc). After 11 wrong shots in 5.5 days, this mistake was found out during a recent checkup, as my ovaries seemed a bit "quiet" and the estrogen level was 65.8. My doctor suggested to continue this IVF cycle with a slightly modified protocol (i.e., no more Lupron, but add 150 UI more Follistim per day). Then he`ll see how my ovaries to response. Yet, he also leaves the option for me to stop this cycle completely if I don`t feel comfortable to continue. In order to have a third party opinion and more confidence, I`d like to hear from you about how badly this mistake would affect my final chance of getting pregnant. Your help is very much appreciated!!!

Now you may be wondering why this is important. It is important because for the past 2 cycles, I have had a horrible response and for the past two cycles I have been doing the Micro-Flare Protocol….or so I thought I was. I just pulled my Lupron box out the refrigerator to look at it after reading everything above. And you guessed it…..I was on the Lupron 1mg/0.2ml as the lady above. Nowhere near the Micro-Flare Protocol I should have been on or was supposed to be on. So instead of doing a flare injection I was injecting 20 units of regular Lupron and not Micro-Flare Lupron (a diluted version of lupron). Now I sit and ask myself how can this happen not once but twice in a row. I’m kicking myself now for not noticing it sooner, but I’m the patient and the doctors get paid thousands to do their job correct right?!? Maybe this is the reason why my response has been so horrible. Maybe this is the reason my ovaries didn't start to respond until after 8 days of stims. How could they respond when I’ve confused the mess out of them by injecting quadruple the amount I should have been injecting into them.

How could this go unnoticed for 2 cycles in a row? How could no one catch the fact that I was never on a diluted version of lupron…..how?!?

Saturday, December 6, 2008

Still so confused......

Thank you all very much for your comments and suggestions. I am still very unsure about what to do. Hubby suggested maybe cycling with Dr. ML this last time and if it doesn’t work then go to Dr. Sher. I just don’t know what to do.

I don’t know why this has to be so hard. I don’t want to choose the wrong decision that leaves me baby-less any longer than I already have been. However, I’m conscious that infertility is a game of luck and chance and even the cycles that everything works out perfect can still end with a BFN.

I just can’t help but to think maybe, just maybe the changes we planned on making this time could/maybe/possibly do the trick. Maybe the lupron was all I needed; maybe the heparin was all I needed….maybe adding those two things still wouldn’t be all I needed.

UGGGGHHHHH I don’t know what to do!!!!

I want so much to be a mom, I want so much to feel this little being moving inside of me, to look into his or her face and see my hubby and me. I’m tired of being disappointed and tired of waiting. It’s always a waiting game, waiting, waiting and more waiting! If I stay with RBA I’m waiting for 2 months while on Lurpon, if I go to Sher, I cycle in February but then wait 6-8 weeks to find out if any at all are even normal. No matter which way I go there is a wait, one wait is dreadfully/horribly/painfully longer than the other, but could very well be well worth the wait.

I JUST WANT TO BE A MOMMY!!!

Friday, December 5, 2008

My head is spinning....WWYD????

My head is spinning now. Not sure what to do. When I thought for sure I had a plan I wanted to do…..I have a phone consultation with Dr. Sher founder of SIRM and now I’m so confused!

Dr. Sher started out by going over my history and what he made of my history as he took the time to go through my medical files before speaking to me.

First thing he said is the Micro-Flare Protocol you have been on is the wrong protocol and actually the worse protocol you could ever be on. He said women with Endometriosis like you have similar symptoms to women who have PCOS. He said the Micro-Flare causes too much LH which causes too much testosterone which damages the eggs. He said this is the reason they can be measuring over 20 follicles for you but then only getting 2 to fertilize. He said that the Micro Flare combined with my Endo causes abnormal eggs and the ones that do fertilize are chromosomally abnormal which causes chemical pregnancies or miscarriages. I told him I knew something wasn’t right with my protocol and I thought it was Follistim causing such a horrible response and he said no it was the protocol you were using. He said Follistim is a great drug, but the Bravelle you were on your first cycle is a horrible drug and it shouldn’t be used. He said my previous protocols have not been catered to meet me and my needs. They have been protocols used that worked for others but because I have specific areas of concern like the Stage IV Endo, I need to be on a recipe (protocol) that is catered specifically for me.

He recommends doing a down regulation protocol with me being on long lupron and coasting. He said he sees that my E2 normally skyrockets to the point of overstimming and he would like to utilize coasting with me. He said you have to be experienced with coasting in order for it to work right because if done wrong it too can damage the eggs. He said I would be watched closely and when he got me to the point he wanted me at he would coast me the rest of the way to get the eggs to the size he wanted them.

He said that PGD would NOT help us. He said it’s still a 50/50 chance that we get an abnormal embryo and right now he think our problem is an embryo issue and not so much the endometriosis effecting implantation. He said with PGD you only get 1 chromosome out to test but its 3 others left that could still have issues. He recommends that we get CGH testing done which tests ALL the chromosomes in the embryo to see if all the chromosomes are normal. He said it costs the same as PGD does but is way better because of the results it gives. He said those doing CGH leave with a baby 70% of the time. He said it takes 6-8 weeks to get the results back and the embryos would be frozen during this time. Not like regular embryo freezing but some other method that doesn’t do the damage that normal freezing does. Don’t remember the exact name he used, but he said regular freezing allows damage to the cell because ice get into the cells and degrade the embryo some. This technique they use doesn’t. So after waiting 6-8 weeks for the results I will then go back to Vegas for the transfer. I asked how many he would transfer. He said using CGH you only need to transfer 1 to get 1 baby. I said given our history I would feel better transferring more. He said well if you want twins we can transfer 2. He said but given your history we will look at the normal CGH’d embryos and decide then if its better to transfer 2 or 3.

He also said given the fact that my mom is on Thyroid medicine daily it’s a 1 in 4 chance that she passed that genetic problem to me as well. He said with Thyroid issues you normally have natural killer cells which will attack whatever is trying to implant which will cause a chemical or miscarriage. He said they have medicine that can prevent it from happening but that he would want to do an extensive immune testing to figure out what to do concerning that.

Now that brings me to…..WHAT TO DO?

My husband was like change is good, and he is coming with a lot of change which we haven’t had any of the previous cycles. He was like the only change Dr.ML is making are the changes that you suggested which is going on the Lupron and changing up the meds.

Oh yeah I told him my plans of starting on Lupron Depot and he said no, do not go on that, no that is not good, no do not do it. He said Lupron Depot stops your ovaries completely. He said it stops your body from making estrogen which interferes with having a healthy endometrium for implantation when you start your cycle.

I’m so confused….I just don’t know what would be best now. I would hate to go through another cycle with Dr. ML and face yet another chemical, but what if the lupron really does help….But what if the endo is not the problem and it really is my embryos. Dr. ML isn’t doing anything to help with my embryos and we were only doing PGD because I asked to do it and its still that 50/50 chance, and we were only changing to Gonal F because I asked to do. I feel like with Dr.ML she lets me make the calls and I’m not the doctor but with Dr. Sher he is taking the role as the doctor and telling me what will be best and not me telling him what I think would be best.

Whatever I’m going to do I need to decide quick, so I cancel my Lupron order if I’m deciding to go with Dr. Sher……..

Dr. Sher sent me an email with 28 attachments that he said he wanted me to read, so I’m about to spend my Friday night reading through this stuff and maybe it will help me make a decision.

That’s another thing I liked about Dr. Sher. He shed more light on my history in 40 minutes than Dr. ML has done the 2 years I’ve been with her. He sends me information for me to read up on things and not the other way around like I have been doing Dr. ML. uggghhh….I don’t know………..

Thursday, December 4, 2008

SHG Today

Got my SHG done today. It did hurt, not the procedure itself but putting the speculum in hurts the worst in my opinion. I did feel some cramping when the catheter went in, quick process then over. But the good news is she said it was normal and she was very happy with how my uterus looked.

I have a timeline for my next IVF:

Dec 28th – 1st Lupron Depot Injection
Jan 23rd – 2nd Lupron Depot Injection
Feb 18th – Start BCPs for 10 days
Feb 27th – Last BCP
March 2nd – AF starts / Baseline
March 3rd – Start Injections
March 14th – Tentative ER
March 19th – Tentative ET

I will then be on 300iu Gonal F in the a.m. and 225iu Gonal F and 75iu Menopur in the p.m. I requested the Menopur be added as it is something I was on for my first cycle and I had a good response. I’m not sure if it was because of the Bravelle or the Menopur or the combination together, but what I’m sure of is that I did not like the response I got from Follistim. I requested to go back to Bravelle as well, but my doctor was adamant about not putting me on it, as she hates the drug and has had no good experiences from it. So I’m hoping that the change from Follistim to Gonal F and adding in Menopur will give me a better response. I’m also hoping for more mature follicles, and for more to fertilize so that we can get PGD done.

I’m starting to get excited about it now. Still seems so far away but seeming more real now as I’ve had to go to the doctor so much lately.

I’m really praying that being on the Lupron Depot for 2 months will be the trick I need to get pregnant and stay pregnant.

I have a phone consultation with Dr. Sher at SIRM in NY tomorrow to get his opinion about my history and what he would do differently. Will update about what he said tomorrow.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Lupron Drama

Well for me. Got my results back from my Endo Biopsy and all is normal. Which is good news....I suppose. So what is the reason for the chemicals....thats what I want to know!

I was supposed to start Depot Lupron for 2 months on Monday and it has been a complete disaster trying to get that started and getting insurance to cover it. Finally thinking I got a break through went to the doctor this morning to get the injection (mind you to an appointment that was made specifically for the injection) only to get there and after 40 minutes of waiting to be told that they don't have the medicine and that they don't keep it in stock nor do they order it. Long story short the Lupron for one month will cost $650 so for 2 months thats $1300 out of pocket as the insurance doesn't cover it. So I'm debating just canceling that idea all together and cycling in Jan. So hubby asked the question, what will be done different that wasn't done the past 2 times that you had a chemical and it didn't work and this is all I can come up with:

  • Switch my meds up to a different brand
  • Start me out on the max dose instead of gradually increasing
  • Have my largest mature go to size 21-22 instead of 18 so we can have more that are mature.
  • If we have enough fertilize do PGD
  • Take Heparin instead of Baby Aspirin which they give those who have frequent miscarriages
  • Endometrial Biopsy that came back clear
  • Karyotyping testing which will confirm if we NEED PGD

Is this enough to go out on the limb and try IVF again......or should we really dish out $1300 for an experiment on Lupron.....ugghhh...

That was a post from this morning. Update now, is that I found some Lupron in Canada that is much cheaper than it is here in the US. I bought the two that I need for the two months including shipping and it came to $599.97 instead of $1300. So I will start my shots when my next period start which is around Christmas Eve or Christmas Day. I was a little upset about being pushed back, but what can you do. After dealing with IF for over 5 years you learn that things never work out the way you want them to.

Sunday, November 30, 2008

Playing Catch up

I had an Endometrial Biopsy done on Tuesday, November 25th. I was kind of nervous going in there because I had read online about women saying it was the most painful thing they ever experienced in their life even worse than labor, so I didn't know what to freaking expect. But it wasn't that bad, uncomfortable yeah, kind of a bite your lip moment then its all over. I won't find out the results for about a week I think.

AF started on Friday and I'm supposed to start Depot Lupron within five days of starting to be on Lupron for 2 months before attempting my next IVF cycle. However, I'm waiting on my OB/GYN doctor to confirm that its covered by insurance and the lady didn't call me back Wednesday and I guess they have been closed every since because of the Thanksgiving holiday. So I will have to call on Monday to see what the deal is with that.

Other than that nothing much else going on. I may have to order the Lupron from Canada if my insurance doesn't cover it because it costs over $600 here and only $199 in Canada. So we shall see what happens with that.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Failed IVF Consult

Okay, back from my appointment, which I think, went fairly well.

First thing is that I will be getting an Endometrial Biopsy completed on Tuesday at 9:30 (When a woman is having a hard time becoming pregnant, an endometrial biopsy may be done to see whether the lining of her uterus can support a pregnancy) at which time I will also give blood to have a Karyotype test done for DH and I. (Karyotype is a test to identify and evaluate the size, shape, and number of chromosomes in a sample of body cells. Extra, missing, or abnormal positions of chromosome pieces can cause problems with a person's growth, development, and body functions. Karyotype can be done to determine whether a chromosome defect is preventing a woman from becoming pregnant or causing miscarriages. Determine whether a chromosome defect is present in a fetus. Karyotyping also may be done to determine whether chromosomal problems may have caused a fetus to be stillborn.) If this comes back and shows either of us have an unbalanced chromosome which causes frequent miscarriages then we would need to get PGD done to make sure we are only transferring embryos that prove to be normal.

I will also start Depot Lupron for 2 months on day 3 of my upcoming period. She don't want to start the cycle on that first period after being on Lupron because she wants my body's hormone level to get back right and allow my endometrium to get back right so that my lining is nice and plump for the next IVF. But I will be out of town at the time that period should be starting so she is going to start me on Provera Feb. 23 - March 2, once I stop that AF should start on March 5th and we're going to try Micro-Flare again.

She stuck to her guns about no Bravelle. She said they initially started with it because they got a butt load of it for free, but she had such horrible responses from it that she stopped using it even when she had a lot of the free meds left over. I expressed to her how I dislike Follistim and the response it gives me and she just said that she wanted to start me out on the max dose of meds on day 1 of stims instead of bumping me after 4 days of stims like they have done in the past. She said with this she is still trying to get the Flare effect from the lupron but by maxing out my meds in the begging she is hoping to get them growing quicker and faster in the beginning than at the end. She said last cycle I really didn't start getting a response till around the 8th day. So she hopes by maxing me out at the beginning that we can have a lot start to come up and then gradually reduce the meds and allow them to continue to grow. I asked why my E2 was so high last time and I only got 3 mature and she said the word for the day is PUSH. She said that's why I want to change it up and push you hard in the beginning so we can get a good response going instead of pushing you at the end. She said last time they triggered me when my largest was around 18 which normally works great for someone my age, and I was like yeah, but we've learn I don't respond like women my age and she said yes we have. The she said she really couldn't push me anymore at the end because my E2 was so high and she was afraid I would get sick. So she said next time she want my largest to be around 21 or 22. She then reiterated the push idea because she want big and fat follies when its time to trigger. Last day day 1-6 of my cycle I was on 225iu Follistim in the a.m. and 225iu Follistim in the p.m. So this time I will be on 300iu in the a.m. and 300iu in the p.m from the very beginning. So I lost the battle on the Bravelle thing. But we're going to try Gonal-F instead of Follistim. My nurse said they are basically the same exact things, but made by different people, so we can try that. Gotta do my research on that too.

Next thing is that I will be going on Heparin instead of baby aspirin. Gotta do more research on this to figure out why and why this would be beneficial to me.

That's about it for now...sorry so long.

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Awh....for me....

I must say that I was very overwhelmed in the response I received from my post. I had no idea that so many people were thinking about me and waiting to hear from me. You know sometimes you post just to get it off your chest more like journaling (is that a word).....not really thinking that anyone is reading or really cares about what you're writing, but you ladies proved me wrong and I'm very thankful for all of you and very thankful for your thoughts and prayers!

Well I wish I had something interesting to write, but I don't....so hopefully I will have some good updates from my appointment on Thursday.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Thank you.....

Thank you all very much for your well wishes and words of comfort. I know I just kind of disappeared and some of you were worried about me, so I decided to come on here and post an update. I haven't forgot about any of you and think of you often, just had to give myself time to get my head right.....ya know?

Well an update with me. I'm still feeling pretty anti-baby. I guess that was my way of dealing with my last disappointment. I've been totally okay with it being just DH and I and I'm not sure how long I will feel this way or if I will get bombarded by the intense desire to be a mom in a couple of months, couple of years or never. On Sunday I was looking at DH's benefits plan as he is in open enrollment now (we've been with my plan for the last 3 years) so I was looking at his plan to see if they had added anything new. They have. They added 4 IVF attempts and 6 IUIs. They had the IUIs before but not the IVF attempts. So we're going to switch to his insurance which starts up in January and my insurance ends in March. Now when I read that about the IVFs I can't lie, the itch to try again did come back so DH and I talked about it and he was like if we're going to do it we need to do it ASAP because we never know when the contract might change up. He is Army contractor so their contracts can change at anytime. So what I plan to do is go on Lupron for 3 months for my Endo then jump right into a cycle. So this should put me cycling in March 09 time frame. I called my nurse yesterday to tell her I wanted to go on Lupron and didn't want to get another surgery. Not sure if you remember but my doctor wanted to do another surgery after my last chemical. I don't think I need one yet because my periods are not painful like they have been in the past. But my nurse said I had to come do my failed IVF talk with the doctor first which I had been avoiding because I wasn't sure if we wanted to go any further with the IVFs, but when I got 4 free to use its kind of hard to pass that opportunity then always play that what if game in my mind if I didn't do it. So I scheduled the failed IVF consult for next Thursday. I plan to stick to my guns about no more Follistim and if my doc doens't want to put my back on the meds I was on the very first time, then I think its time to switch docs. We tried her way with the Follistim um....like 4 times so obviously my body doesn't like the Follistim and doesn't respond very well to it. So thats me and thats my update. (((hugs)))

Monday, September 8, 2008

Confirmed....

Thanks Ladies. But as expected its over. My beta was 31 today. I'm going to be very distant from here for a while as we figure out what we're going to do, but will probably still read quietly to check up on everyone. I'm not sure what our next step is, but maybe we'll do the IVF Vacation in Europe.....or maybe we'll....I don't know. But anyway, thanks for the support.

Thursday, September 4, 2008

It Dropped....

220.9

They want me to stay on the meds and come back on Monday. Reason being they have another patient on the same DPO as me and her numbers are 146 today....so they want to see what happens with mine. They said we did put 4 in and they are hoping that maybe one will stay put because my numbers did start out so high.

But I know the truth....and they are just prolonging the truth from happening!

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Thank You!

Thank you ladies for all your comforting words of support. I really do appreciate it.

Last night I reminded myself that before this cycle even began I put it into God's hands. So all I can do is pray about it and hope for the best. Tomorrow morning I shall know what is going on.

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Beta Hell....Again

Back in beta hell again. Why can't this just be easy sometimes? Beta today was only 405. Nurse said they wanted to see it between 600 and 700 but they aren't alarmed yet. They think I had 2 try to implant and one didn't make it. This is a doubling time of 90.41 hours....no where near close to the ideal 48-72 hours.

I've been in this blah and horrible mood all day. I don't know what to think nor what to say or what to feel so I feel like I'm just going through the motions wishing for Thursday to be here already.

I checked betabase and the median for 18DPO for singleton pregnancies is 403 so I guess I am right in line with a singleton. As much as I just want one healthy baby I still can't help to be sad for the one that was trying to hang on and couldn't make it. My mouth speaks just a healthy baby but my heart longed for twins. But after all I've been through and 5 years of trying I should just take what I'm given and be happy and shut-up about it. I don't even know if I have one healthy bean in there, how can I be concerned about a twin that I never knew existed. My feelings are all jacked up and I just feel lost.

Any reassurance anyone can offer, I'm all ears.

Sunday, August 31, 2008

Trying not to worry....but it's hard.

So I had a crazy dream that my first ultrasound showed I was carrying 10 babies. Yeah that's right 10. The dream didn't freak me out as I know that its not possible. But I woke up this morning thinking I wasn't pregnant. I guess its the lack of symptoms even though I know it is still very early, but I went and took a pregnancy test to ease my fears and it helped but not much. My beta is in two days, this waiting is just horrible.

Friday, August 29, 2008

Beta results are in.....



Nurse called.....she said they wanted to see my beta number over 50 and its 194. Progesterone is 49 and Estrogen is 2019!

I'm at work but wanted to jump on here really quick to update. Be back later!

Thank you GOD!!!!!




Thursday, August 28, 2008

9DP4DT - 13DPO - Seeing Olive Green

This morning's trip to the bathroom at work left me with a weird surprise. I had olive green discharge like the color of the olives right here. Now I have been on estrace vaginally since ER and its a blue pill and I have to wear a pantyliner everyday because the blue flows back out at some point during the day. So my first reaction was oh no, I'm spotting red and its mixing with the blue to make this color. But its been a while since I've been in elementary school and couldn't figure out what color red and blue makes so I pull up google. Red and blue makes purple. Well that doesn't make sense because I'm positive it was olive green. So my next thought is that maybe I was spotting brown and it mixed with the blue. Okay, I guess. I hear that a lot of women spot with IVF cycles and it should be okay. It only happened twice on two different bathroom trips this morning and only when I used the bathroom. Nothing was on my pantyliner, so I guess that is reassuring.

Tomorrow is the big day. I'm nervous, but feel pretty confident about it as my test are still looking good. I read something yesterday that said a pregnancy test doesn't tell you how pregnant you are, but gives you a yes or no answer to if you are pregnant or not. I've been trying to decide what my beta would be based on the darkness of my test but its just a waiting game and tomorrow I shall know.


Here are the test from this morning:

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

8DP4DT - 12DPO - Made the decision

Well same ole same ole for today. More testing and more waiting. However, I did finally make the decision to do my beta on Friday. If only my life was as easy as the fertiles who get a positive pregnant test and that's it, no worries at all, they are pregnant. Not after dealing with IF, getting a + test is only the beginning. Now you have to wait and see if the test gets darker, then you have to get a + beta and wait to see if the beta doubles, then you have to get an ultrasound and hope and pray that you see a heartbeat. The worry after dealing with IF never ends. But I decided to go ahead and go in on Friday. I figure that my test are looking very 'pretty' and I'm anxious to know where my numbers are! I'm praying for a great result! Maybe then I will actually be able to say the words I'm p-------. Then the 4 day wait for my next beta to make sure that it rises properly. Uggghhh another issue with IF....always waiting!



I said I wasn't going to post any pics today because I didn't want to bore you all to oblivion, but I guess I will for people like me who spend countless hours on the computer googling different topics and trying to find what other's test look like and what their beta number was with said test.



The p.m. test are after holding my 'P' for an hour. The Equate was disappointing though it looks exactly like yesterday's test. But old faithful FRER is looking good:

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

7DP4DT - 11DPO - ummm...this is starting to seem real

So of course I'm still testing because I'm a POAS addict and I love to POAS! But just for my peace of mind too, because my beta is still 7 days away. I do have the option to do my BETA on Friday but then I will have to wait 4 days until Tuesday to find out if my beta doubled as it should. I can't figure out if it would be harder to wait 4 days to know if my beta doubled or to wait and just do my beta on Tuesday. I would love to get a peak at what my beta is, but once I know that number then my thoughts go to is it going to double. Uggh...don't know what to do!



But I went and bought some Equates because the last cycle with my chemical my equate never got a dark line it was very faint. So for peace of mind for myself I wanted to see what kind of line Equate would have....and a pretty one it did!


Here are my FRER from last night, this morning and tonight:


And even the IC is starting to get a nice line which is really assuring:

Now if I can only make my mind up about what to do with this BETA.......

Monday, August 25, 2008

6DP4DT - 10DPO - The digi say's "PREGNANT"

Woke up bright and early to get ready for work and dipped the FRER in the cup....I see the line starting to come up....not sure if it woud be enough for CB Digital to pick up but decided to test anyway. I walked away from the test to go brush my teeth and came back to the beautiful words "PREGNANT".

Here is the FRER:

Internet cheapie even has a faint faint line:

Here are all three together:

Tested again when I got home and it helps me breath a little easier to see the test getting darker and getting darker so quickly:

Sunday, August 24, 2008

5DP4DT - 9DPO

I tested this morning with SMU and got a very faint positive at 9DPO. Prayers that it continues to get darker. I showed DH and he was able to see it. He asked me isn't it too early for it to be positive and asked if it could still be trigger. I then showed him the test from yesterday and from Friday that were both negative and he said oh...wonder how many are in there.



Its very faint, and I doubt it will show up here, but I'll see:

This one was taken within the time limit and very faint:


This is the same test, pic taken after the test has dried:




Tested again....yeah I'm addicted. Sorry its dark. I didn't have the natural sunlight in my bathroom to help out my sucky camera! But good news is....in real life its getting darker.

Saturday, August 23, 2008

4DP4DT

Well I'm officially in the 2ww and I have been for the past 4 days. I started testing out my trigger at 5DPO / 1DP4DT and it was negative within the time allotted to look at the test. I was quite disappointed as I get a kick out of testing out my trigger. The test did turn positive after it dried, so I guess my trigger was 'kind of' out at 5DPO if I base it off the instructions of don't look back after the time has elapsed. Same results for 6DPO / 2DP4DT it was negative within the time period but once it dried I'm able to see a line. However yesterday's test 7DPO / 3DP4DT was negative within the time period and once it dried I still don't see anything. So today's test at 8DPO / 4DP4DT I think I may see the faintest of faint faint line. Its one of those ones you look at and think you see something but not sure if you see something or not and you have to pull your POAS Goggles out and still not sure if you see something. So of course, its very early so I counted it as a BFN, but will look again when I go upstairs to see what it looks like after it dries just because I'm a curious George.

I'm still in great spirits and still feel very great and positive about this cycle. I pray that continues and I have a reason to be celebrating in a few days!

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

They're in!!

Well after all the drama, my embies have made it into their home.
So since I used my favorite cartoon characters in the Winnie the Pooh family last time to name my embryos I had to go to my favorite movie to name these babies!

So with no further delay I introduce you to in clockwise order: Pumba, Timon, Simba & Nala


Timon & Pumbaa - My 5 Day Frozen Blast - Embryologist was unable to give a grade for the frozen blast because when they are frozen the cells bind to each other and the longer they are left out after the thaw the more they come back to their blast form where you can see the inner cell mass. Embryologist said they would have had to sit out for another 5 or 6 hours to get to the point where they could grade them and they don't like to leave them out that long. But he did know that they were frozen on Day 5.

Bottom right is Simba - My Morula (right on track for Day 4 - was the 8 cell yesterday).





And to the left is Nala - My Pre-Morula (almost at the point she needs to be - was the 6 cell yesterday).






Thank you all very much for your prayers! Now the wait begins!


Hakuna Matata!

Monday, August 18, 2008

Man, Man, Man! What a Day!

This is a long one.....get comfy in your seat!

8:00 a.m. - Well thanks to a post from a fellow FFer last night she got my mind thinking again so DH and I had another conversation.In this conversation I couldn't for the life of my figure out why I counted out the 3 day embryos so much when it was a 3 day embryo that got me pregnant my one and only time in the past 5 years. No it didn't stick, but I was at least pregnant for about a week and a half. And so many other women get pregnant from 3 day........ So I reminded DH about that, that we did get pregnant on a 3 day transfer.So what we decided is we will go in and see what quality we are working with. If the 2 are great looking 3-day embies we will transfer those and pray and hope for the best. If they don't look good we will ask them about going ahead and transferring them today and asking if its possible for us to come back on Wednesday and transfer one or both of the blast depending on how they looked. I looked at our cost sheet and the transfer itself cost about $1350. We already paid $1500 for freezing and storage, which we obviously don't need now, so if they are willing to do that we would be willing to pay for the extra transfer. But thats if and only if the embryos today don't look worth anything. And if this cycle doesn't work, I guess the FET with our 2 frozen blast will be our last shot at it. DH brought up surrogacy yesterday and I could have poked him in his eye balls because I'm so not ready for that conversation and makes me feel like he is counting my body out before even giving it a shot.
Since last cycle that was a chemical was after wasting 2 cycles on the horrible idiotic RE and it was after my much needed surgery that removed all or some of the junk that should have been done before IVF#1.Any who..... I'll update later and let you all know how it goes. I really do appreciate you all weighing in with your thoughts and suggestions. It really does help!

*************
9:30 a.m. - Wow......I'm shocked. Well my nurse just called me and was like can you call GRS so that we can get the embryos over here. I was like um okay. But whats going on they scheduled me for a transfer yesterday. She was like oh they haven't talked to you . What the embryologist and Dr. ML decided is that they're going to do is transfer the two today and thaw the other two and transfer them on Wednesday. I was like wow, DH and I just had this conversation last night and we said that we were going to ask if that was possible. She was like oh yeah they decided this morning so come in as scheduled then we're bringing you back in on Wednesday.
Um....so wow....does that really mean they're going to transfer 4......
****************
1:00 p.m. - Well I'm back and nothing was transferred.

As if I didn't have enough stress going on in my life they add more to it.

Mind you this conversation is taking place while everyone around me is clothed but I'm sitting on a table naked from the bottom down with a little sheet draped over me.

I get there and I have a 8 cell and 6 cell both grade B. Its some doctor in there I've never seen before, the embryologist and the nurse and DH and I. Then they get to talking about doing two transfers and how they don't really like to do two transfers because its possible to push the first ones up into my fallopian tubes and cause an ectopic. Okay I understand that. So then it was suggested that I come in tomorrow and do a 4DT with the thawed blast transferring all 4 at one time. Okay that sounds like a plan. Great.

Then the doctor starts on this spill about well maybe we can freeze all of them and put you on lupron for 3 months because I've had great success putting women on Lupron for 3 months right before doing a transfer who has Stage IV Endo. It can double your chances. Then he goes on to say how my E2 is so high and if I get pregnant I could be in the hospital for weeks. He said he know how difficult it can be to wait another 3 months when I've already been waiting and I agreed and said that I'm tired of waiting I've already been waiting 7 months just to get to this point. Then he goes on to say how a woman who gets pregnant on her own E2 number is only in the 200's and my is over 5500 and he think it may have an effect on implantation. So then I said I asked about my E2 before it even went over 4500 and they said it wasn't an issue. Then he goes on to say that it's a never ending medical argument and some people believe it effects implantation when others don't think it do. So I tell him again, I'm tired of waiting and this is it for us. I want to transfer tomorrow. He says okay. (this is the short version as this conversation went on and on for like 10 minutes on why we shouldn't go through with transfer). And where in the world is my doctor who I haven't seen since my history and physical? She didn't do my egg retrieval and apparently wasn't going to do my transfer either!

Then he leaves out and the nurse asks what I'm thinking. I say the same thing again, I'm tired of waiting and I don't want to wait. She looks at DH and says what do you think. He says I want to wait the 3 months and then do the transfer. Of course its easy for all you to say that when you haven't been in my shoes, waiting forever for something you tried forever to make happen. By this time I'm pissed because I feel like I'm being ganged up on like if I go on with this and it don't work then everyone can then say well I told you so. Then this nurse just doesn't stop. (as she is whispering because she know she ain't got no business telling me what she think because it aint her place) She keeps going on and on about her friend who did IVF 5 times, they told her she would never and I mean never get pregnant on her on. Then she went to doctor whoever he was that was in there talking to me and she did the lupron for 3 months and she is pregnant with twins now and I just went to the baby shower on Saturday. So I'm sitting there....still naked as she go on and on. Saying I know you have a lot to think about but you have to decide if you want to wait and have a higher % of it working or if you want to go ahead and have a lower % of it working. And maybe if you wait you too can have twins. And she just keeps going and going and by this time I want to punch her in her throat and tell her to mind her own business! So I finally go empty my bladder and change and I still hear her out there talking to DH about whats so good about waiting. Then I come out and she says I'm sure Nancy (my nurse) will want to talk to you about this, I'll have her call you. I say fine. Thanks. So as we're walking out, as if DH couldn't see that I was already pissed and had nothing to say about the whole thing he says so what are you going to do. I don't even answer him because at this point I didn't know whether to scream or cry. He met me at the doctors so I was walking to my car and he was walking to his and I just walk away with nothing to say at all. So then he text me saying that's why you always feel like you're alone in this because you never listen to what I think. I won't say anything else, do whats best for u and I'm not coming if its tomorrow. ( I already knew this because he can't get off again for his job, but he didn't have to say it like this!)

Great love...thanks just keep pouring it on me! Then I text him saying are you not the one that said an upteen million times why would a FET work if a fresh cycle hasn't worked. Then he texted backed well we already spent over $20,000 already whats it going to hurt to spend 3 or 4 more for a better chance on something that you haven't tried before, but I'm not going to argue with you, do what you want. So then I texted him back that I appreciate the way he just decide what he want to do not taking into account nothing that I've been through and the hell I've been through these past 7 months just waiting. Why didn't somebody think about this bright idea of being on lupron for 3 months when I've been sitting here these 7 months just waiting.
So that's where I am now.......

7:45 p.m. - Come to think about it, I think that nurse was an ultrasound tech....because she did the ultrasound on my belly to see how full my bladder was.....makes it even worse for her 2 cent she threw in.

Okay well in an odd change of events, my nurse Nancy the one I haven't spoken to since she told me trigger called me and asked me what I decided. I told her that I would be transferring tomorrow. She said okay, Dr. ML (my RE) wants to speak to you....do you have time. I said yeah sure. (Shocked because my RE has never called to speak to me....the only time I've spoken to her on the phone is when I ask to speak to her....normally messages are passed through the nurse) She gets on the phone and the first thing that comes out her mouth is "I'm Sorry." That was the last thing I was expecting. I was expecting her to get on the phone and give her thoughts on what the other RE had said. Nope....none of that. She said that I'm very sorry that I wasn't there for your transfer and I will be there tomorrow to do you transfer. I told her that I felt bombarded like no one was on the same page with me but that everyone was against me. She apologized again and said that she was very sorry that her or Nancy was not there for me but that she would be there tomorrow. She then said that we have your 2 blasts here and we'll be ready for you when you get here.

So I have to be there tomorrow at 1:15 for a 1:30 transfer and they will transfer all 4. Today my embyros were a 6 cell and 8 cell so we will see what they are tomorrow.

My mom was very sweet and said that if this cycle doesn't work, that she got $5,000 on the next cycle. But she told me not to give up until I get my hearts desire.

Sunday, August 17, 2008

Doctors are bucking our decision.....

Thanks Ladies.


Well I had a nurse call me today to schedule my transfer for tomorrow at noon. So I went over the whole spill with her again about wanting to wait till Wednesday and that I had spoken to a nurse named Lynda and told her all this yesterday. She said yes, I see a note from her on your chart, hold on for a second while I read what she said. She came back to the phone and said that she noted what you wanted but that the doctors didn’t think it would be the best thing to do. I said well after she told me that I told her that we wanted to risk it and she said it would be up to us and not the doctors. I told her she also had one of the embryologist call me and when he called I missed the call but he left a message saying that he would call GRS on Monday and if all the paper work is done like we say then they could get the embryos over on the same day. She said that it must be some kind of miss up and that the head embryologist was in today and she was going to call upstairs to speak to him.


So she calls me back and said that the embryologist doesn’t think it would be in our best interest to mix the ones from this time with the frozen ones because they’re not sure if they will make it to blast and that they would rather save them for a FET next time. (Well if you’re so confident in these ones you’re trying to put back in me tomorrow then why do you keep mentioning a FET? Wouldn’t that be the farthest thing you think about if you’re so confident the embryos will do better in utero?) The nurse said that she would put a note on my chart to let the doctors know what I wanted to do an maybe the doctor would call me in the morning before the scheduled time. I bluntly said to the nurse – we know what the risks are and we are willing to take the risk. We have spent over $30,000 and we’re not trying to spend another $4,000 on a FET. We want to push these 2 to 5 day and transfer the best looking 3 and be done with it all. We’re not trying to put our hopes on another FET because this was going to be it for us. The nurse said I understand and I will let the doctor know your stands on this and have her call you in the morning. If she doesn’t call show up in the morning at 1145 prepared for transfer and you can speak to her then.


So what I’m getting from this is forget what you want – do what we want you to do. Even though every cent that paid for this cycle came from DH and I account and last time I check the clinic didn’t give us a discount for jack!

Saturday, August 16, 2008

We decided to....

So after talking we have decided to push to a 5 day transfer.


1. Because DH doesn't have any faith in a FET cycle if IVF hasn't worked the 3 times we've did it. He knows that a fresh cycle has a higher % rate than a FET. I guess he really has been listening to me and my rambling for the last few years.


2. Also he didn't want to spend the extra $4000 for another FET cycle. We're already knocking on $30K and I would rather put the extra money to adoption or something...which he isn't quite ready for.....


3. He also asked if it won't make it to 5 day will it make it inside of you. I said that is the million dollar question and there is no way to tell.


What he want to do is to go to 5 day and if all 4 make it he wants to transfer all 4 if they will let us. If not I guess we will push for the 3 and transfer the best looking 3. I doubt the 2 blast we have on ice are great quality as its the last 2 of the 6 we had and they normally transfer the best of the best first so I'm not even sure what grade they are. But if they are low quality I don't see any harm in transferring 4. With my body and all my issues I think its a less than 1% chance that they will all stick and we would be lucky to get one good healthy one to stick.


So thats the plan. We will see how it go, but either way we won't have any regrets.

Talked to Nurse....

Just talked to the nurse and she said my Dr and the embryologist don't suggest mixing the blast with this cycle because the 2 I have would have to be grown to the blast stage in order for that to happen and due to my cycle this time and my numbers they are not sure if they will make it to 5 day blast so they recommend doing the 3 day transfer and saving the others for a FET. The said that your endmetrin or something may not be receptable to blast. I said well well the difference....if they don't think the 2 I have will make it to a 5 day, why waste my time doing a 3 day transfer if they dont' think they will make it. Then she says well they think it may do better in utero. I said but you just said that they said my utero isn't receptive to blast why would it be receptive to 3 day. She was going around in circles and unable to answer any questions that I was asking. So I then asked her if we wanted to take the risk and try to grow the other 2 out to day 5 is it our choice or is the choice left up to the doctors. She said that it was our choice. DH and I talked briefly about it before and I asked him if he wanted to risk it, and he was like no do you want to risk it. So of course he is leaving the decision in my lap and I don't know what I should do. He is sleep right now and trying to talk to him now is like trying to talk to a brick wall....so I gotta wait till he wakes up and see what he has to say now since I've spoken to the nurse.

Any thoughts/suggestions?

Fert Report In - Worse than before....

Well the results are in and they are worse than before. Out of the 11 retrieved, 3 were mature and 2 fertilized. So thanks for all the well wishes and prayers, it just didn’t work. And please know that I’ve been at this for 5 years now so the very last thing I want to hear is the ‘it only takes one’ speech. No offense to anyone who the one worked for, but I’m a realistic and right now I just don’t believe in one.


I got the call bright and early around 8:30 this morning. At least they didn’t make me wait all morning for the horrible news. She went on with the spill about starting progesterone tonight and ET will be on Monday as I sat quiet on the phone. She asked if I was there, I said yes I’m here. I then asked if it were possible for us to thaw the two blasts that we have frozen at GRS and transfer whatever makes it. She said that may be possible she has to call the business office and give me a call back later. So as I hung the phone up, fully expecting to break down crying…..nothing happened. One tear streamed down my face….so I thought to myself where are the rest. Nothing. I guess I am more done with the TTC thing than I really thought I was. So I lay there in bed, waiting on DH to come back up stairs from letting the dogs out. He comes. I say, love sorry to let you know but we wasted $15,000 on my broke body. He says don’t say that love, what did they say. Told him the stats, he said “well we have 2 right so the money isn’t wasted and we still have the two that are frozen. The money is gone so no need to bring it up, it’s what we wanted to do so we spent it wisely”. In my head I’m thinking he is so naïve…..really…..we’re supposed to be okay with spending $15,000 because we have two that we’re holding our breath on….not at all my dear. Obviously it’s just not meant to be for me to carry child. Something I have wanted since I was 13 years old….nope guess it’s not meant to be. So I let DH know that I asked about the two that were frozen and she said she had to make some calls to see because the transfer is supposed to be on Monday and I probably wouldn’t be able to get the frozen embryos until Monday.


Now I’m sitting here thinking is it even worth my time to be on bed rest after transfer as I have completely lost all faith in my body. I know I can’t count the other two out as they are still growing but this is what attempt #5 including my FET and its kinds hard to reach deep down and find that ounce of hope that may be needed. Nope….just looked again and still can’t find it.So needless to say ladies, this was the last shebang, the last cahoots before hanging up my TTC desires. If it works then great, if not I will be saying adios to all the great friends I’ve made on here.