Sunday, August 31, 2008
Friday, August 29, 2008
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
I said I wasn't going to post any pics today because I didn't want to bore you all to oblivion, but I guess I will for people like me who spend countless hours on the computer googling different topics and trying to find what other's test look like and what their beta number was with said test.
The p.m. test are after holding my 'P' for an hour. The Equate was disappointing though it looks exactly like yesterday's test. But old faithful FRER is looking good:
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
But I went and bought some Equates because the last cycle with my chemical my equate never got a dark line it was very faint. So for peace of mind for myself I wanted to see what kind of line Equate would have....and a pretty one it did!
Here are my FRER from last night, this morning and tonight:
And even the IC is starting to get a nice line which is really assuring:
Now if I can only make my mind up about what to do with this BETA.......
Monday, August 25, 2008
Here is the FRER:
Internet cheapie even has a faint faint line:
Here are all three together:
Tested again when I got home and it helps me breath a little easier to see the test getting darker and getting darker so quickly:
Sunday, August 24, 2008
Tested again....yeah I'm addicted. Sorry its dark. I didn't have the natural sunlight in my bathroom to help out my sucky camera! But good news is....in real life its getting darker.
Saturday, August 23, 2008
I'm still in great spirits and still feel very great and positive about this cycle. I pray that continues and I have a reason to be celebrating in a few days!
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Monday, August 18, 2008
8:00 a.m. - Well thanks to a post from a fellow FFer last night she got my mind thinking again so DH and I had another conversation.In this conversation I couldn't for the life of my figure out why I counted out the 3 day embryos so much when it was a 3 day embryo that got me pregnant my one and only time in the past 5 years. No it didn't stick, but I was at least pregnant for about a week and a half. And so many other women get pregnant from 3 day........ So I reminded DH about that, that we did get pregnant on a 3 day transfer.So what we decided is we will go in and see what quality we are working with. If the 2 are great looking 3-day embies we will transfer those and pray and hope for the best. If they don't look good we will ask them about going ahead and transferring them today and asking if its possible for us to come back on Wednesday and transfer one or both of the blast depending on how they looked. I looked at our cost sheet and the transfer itself cost about $1350. We already paid $1500 for freezing and storage, which we obviously don't need now, so if they are willing to do that we would be willing to pay for the extra transfer. But thats if and only if the embryos today don't look worth anything. And if this cycle doesn't work, I guess the FET with our 2 frozen blast will be our last shot at it. DH brought up surrogacy yesterday and I could have poked him in his eye balls because I'm so not ready for that conversation and makes me feel like he is counting my body out before even giving it a shot.
Since last cycle that was a chemical was after wasting 2 cycles on the horrible idiotic RE and it was after my much needed surgery that removed all or some of the junk that should have been done before IVF#1.Any who..... I'll update later and let you all know how it goes. I really do appreciate you all weighing in with your thoughts and suggestions. It really does help!
9:30 a.m. - Wow......I'm shocked. Well my nurse just called me and was like can you call GRS so that we can get the embryos over here. I was like um okay. But whats going on they scheduled me for a transfer yesterday. She was like oh they haven't talked to you . What the embryologist and Dr. ML decided is that they're going to do is transfer the two today and thaw the other two and transfer them on Wednesday. I was like wow, DH and I just had this conversation last night and we said that we were going to ask if that was possible. She was like oh yeah they decided this morning so come in as scheduled then we're bringing you back in on Wednesday.
Um....so wow....does that really mean they're going to transfer 4......
1:00 p.m. - Well I'm back and nothing was transferred.
As if I didn't have enough stress going on in my life they add more to it.
Mind you this conversation is taking place while everyone around me is clothed but I'm sitting on a table naked from the bottom down with a little sheet draped over me.
I get there and I have a 8 cell and 6 cell both grade B. Its some doctor in there I've never seen before, the embryologist and the nurse and DH and I. Then they get to talking about doing two transfers and how they don't really like to do two transfers because its possible to push the first ones up into my fallopian tubes and cause an ectopic. Okay I understand that. So then it was suggested that I come in tomorrow and do a 4DT with the thawed blast transferring all 4 at one time. Okay that sounds like a plan. Great.
Then the doctor starts on this spill about well maybe we can freeze all of them and put you on lupron for 3 months because I've had great success putting women on Lupron for 3 months right before doing a transfer who has Stage IV Endo. It can double your chances. Then he goes on to say how my E2 is so high and if I get pregnant I could be in the hospital for weeks. He said he know how difficult it can be to wait another 3 months when I've already been waiting and I agreed and said that I'm tired of waiting I've already been waiting 7 months just to get to this point. Then he goes on to say how a woman who gets pregnant on her own E2 number is only in the 200's and my is over 5500 and he think it may have an effect on implantation. So then I said I asked about my E2 before it even went over 4500 and they said it wasn't an issue. Then he goes on to say that it's a never ending medical argument and some people believe it effects implantation when others don't think it do. So I tell him again, I'm tired of waiting and this is it for us. I want to transfer tomorrow. He says okay. (this is the short version as this conversation went on and on for like 10 minutes on why we shouldn't go through with transfer). And where in the world is my doctor who I haven't seen since my history and physical? She didn't do my egg retrieval and apparently wasn't going to do my transfer either!
Then he leaves out and the nurse asks what I'm thinking. I say the same thing again, I'm tired of waiting and I don't want to wait. She looks at DH and says what do you think. He says I want to wait the 3 months and then do the transfer. Of course its easy for all you to say that when you haven't been in my shoes, waiting forever for something you tried forever to make happen. By this time I'm pissed because I feel like I'm being ganged up on like if I go on with this and it don't work then everyone can then say well I told you so. Then this nurse just doesn't stop. (as she is whispering because she know she ain't got no business telling me what she think because it aint her place) She keeps going on and on about her friend who did IVF 5 times, they told her she would never and I mean never get pregnant on her on. Then she went to doctor whoever he was that was in there talking to me and she did the lupron for 3 months and she is pregnant with twins now and I just went to the baby shower on Saturday. So I'm sitting there....still naked as she go on and on. Saying I know you have a lot to think about but you have to decide if you want to wait and have a higher % of it working or if you want to go ahead and have a lower % of it working. And maybe if you wait you too can have twins. And she just keeps going and going and by this time I want to punch her in her throat and tell her to mind her own business! So I finally go empty my bladder and change and I still hear her out there talking to DH about whats so good about waiting. Then I come out and she says I'm sure Nancy (my nurse) will want to talk to you about this, I'll have her call you. I say fine. Thanks. So as we're walking out, as if DH couldn't see that I was already pissed and had nothing to say about the whole thing he says so what are you going to do. I don't even answer him because at this point I didn't know whether to scream or cry. He met me at the doctors so I was walking to my car and he was walking to his and I just walk away with nothing to say at all. So then he text me saying that's why you always feel like you're alone in this because you never listen to what I think. I won't say anything else, do whats best for u and I'm not coming if its tomorrow. ( I already knew this because he can't get off again for his job, but he didn't have to say it like this!)
Great love...thanks just keep pouring it on me! Then I text him saying are you not the one that said an upteen million times why would a FET work if a fresh cycle hasn't worked. Then he texted backed well we already spent over $20,000 already whats it going to hurt to spend 3 or 4 more for a better chance on something that you haven't tried before, but I'm not going to argue with you, do what you want. So then I texted him back that I appreciate the way he just decide what he want to do not taking into account nothing that I've been through and the hell I've been through these past 7 months just waiting. Why didn't somebody think about this bright idea of being on lupron for 3 months when I've been sitting here these 7 months just waiting.
So that's where I am now.......
7:45 p.m. - Come to think about it, I think that nurse was an ultrasound tech....because she did the ultrasound on my belly to see how full my bladder was.....makes it even worse for her 2 cent she threw in.
Okay well in an odd change of events, my nurse Nancy the one I haven't spoken to since she told me trigger called me and asked me what I decided. I told her that I would be transferring tomorrow. She said okay, Dr. ML (my RE) wants to speak to you....do you have time. I said yeah sure. (Shocked because my RE has never called to speak to me....the only time I've spoken to her on the phone is when I ask to speak to her....normally messages are passed through the nurse) She gets on the phone and the first thing that comes out her mouth is "I'm Sorry." That was the last thing I was expecting. I was expecting her to get on the phone and give her thoughts on what the other RE had said. Nope....none of that. She said that I'm very sorry that I wasn't there for your transfer and I will be there tomorrow to do you transfer. I told her that I felt bombarded like no one was on the same page with me but that everyone was against me. She apologized again and said that she was very sorry that her or Nancy was not there for me but that she would be there tomorrow. She then said that we have your 2 blasts here and we'll be ready for you when you get here.
So I have to be there tomorrow at 1:15 for a 1:30 transfer and they will transfer all 4. Today my embyros were a 6 cell and 8 cell so we will see what they are tomorrow.
My mom was very sweet and said that if this cycle doesn't work, that she got $5,000 on the next cycle. But she told me not to give up until I get my hearts desire.
Sunday, August 17, 2008
Well I had a nurse call me today to schedule my transfer for tomorrow at noon. So I went over the whole spill with her again about wanting to wait till Wednesday and that I had spoken to a nurse named Lynda and told her all this yesterday. She said yes, I see a note from her on your chart, hold on for a second while I read what she said. She came back to the phone and said that she noted what you wanted but that the doctors didn’t think it would be the best thing to do. I said well after she told me that I told her that we wanted to risk it and she said it would be up to us and not the doctors. I told her she also had one of the embryologist call me and when he called I missed the call but he left a message saying that he would call GRS on Monday and if all the paper work is done like we say then they could get the embryos over on the same day. She said that it must be some kind of miss up and that the head embryologist was in today and she was going to call upstairs to speak to him.
So she calls me back and said that the embryologist doesn’t think it would be in our best interest to mix the ones from this time with the frozen ones because they’re not sure if they will make it to blast and that they would rather save them for a FET next time. (Well if you’re so confident in these ones you’re trying to put back in me tomorrow then why do you keep mentioning a FET? Wouldn’t that be the farthest thing you think about if you’re so confident the embryos will do better in utero?) The nurse said that she would put a note on my chart to let the doctors know what I wanted to do an maybe the doctor would call me in the morning before the scheduled time. I bluntly said to the nurse – we know what the risks are and we are willing to take the risk. We have spent over $30,000 and we’re not trying to spend another $4,000 on a FET. We want to push these 2 to 5 day and transfer the best looking 3 and be done with it all. We’re not trying to put our hopes on another FET because this was going to be it for us. The nurse said I understand and I will let the doctor know your stands on this and have her call you in the morning. If she doesn’t call show up in the morning at 1145 prepared for transfer and you can speak to her then.
So what I’m getting from this is forget what you want – do what we want you to do. Even though every cent that paid for this cycle came from DH and I account and last time I check the clinic didn’t give us a discount for jack!
Saturday, August 16, 2008
So after talking we have decided to push to a 5 day transfer.
1. Because DH doesn't have any faith in a FET cycle if IVF hasn't worked the 3 times we've did it. He knows that a fresh cycle has a higher % rate than a FET. I guess he really has been listening to me and my rambling for the last few years.
2. Also he didn't want to spend the extra $4000 for another FET cycle. We're already knocking on $30K and I would rather put the extra money to adoption or something...which he isn't quite ready for.....
3. He also asked if it won't make it to 5 day will it make it inside of you. I said that is the million dollar question and there is no way to tell.
What he want to do is to go to 5 day and if all 4 make it he wants to transfer all 4 if they will let us. If not I guess we will push for the 3 and transfer the best looking 3. I doubt the 2 blast we have on ice are great quality as its the last 2 of the 6 we had and they normally transfer the best of the best first so I'm not even sure what grade they are. But if they are low quality I don't see any harm in transferring 4. With my body and all my issues I think its a less than 1% chance that they will all stick and we would be lucky to get one good healthy one to stick.
So thats the plan. We will see how it go, but either way we won't have any regrets.
Well the results are in and they are worse than before. Out of the 11 retrieved, 3 were mature and 2 fertilized. So thanks for all the well wishes and prayers, it just didn’t work. And please know that I’ve been at this for 5 years now so the very last thing I want to hear is the ‘it only takes one’ speech. No offense to anyone who the one worked for, but I’m a realistic and right now I just don’t believe in one.
I got the call bright and early around 8:30 this morning. At least they didn’t make me wait all morning for the horrible news. She went on with the spill about starting progesterone tonight and ET will be on Monday as I sat quiet on the phone. She asked if I was there, I said yes I’m here. I then asked if it were possible for us to thaw the two blasts that we have frozen at GRS and transfer whatever makes it. She said that may be possible she has to call the business office and give me a call back later. So as I hung the phone up, fully expecting to break down crying…..nothing happened. One tear streamed down my face….so I thought to myself where are the rest. Nothing. I guess I am more done with the TTC thing than I really thought I was. So I lay there in bed, waiting on DH to come back up stairs from letting the dogs out. He comes. I say, love sorry to let you know but we wasted $15,000 on my broke body. He says don’t say that love, what did they say. Told him the stats, he said “well we have 2 right so the money isn’t wasted and we still have the two that are frozen. The money is gone so no need to bring it up, it’s what we wanted to do so we spent it wisely”. In my head I’m thinking he is so naïve…..really…..we’re supposed to be okay with spending $15,000 because we have two that we’re holding our breath on….not at all my dear. Obviously it’s just not meant to be for me to carry child. Something I have wanted since I was 13 years old….nope guess it’s not meant to be. So I let DH know that I asked about the two that were frozen and she said she had to make some calls to see because the transfer is supposed to be on Monday and I probably wouldn’t be able to get the frozen embryos until Monday.
Now I’m sitting here thinking is it even worth my time to be on bed rest after transfer as I have completely lost all faith in my body. I know I can’t count the other two out as they are still growing but this is what attempt #5 including my FET and its kinds hard to reach deep down and find that ounce of hope that may be needed. Nope….just looked again and still can’t find it.So needless to say ladies, this was the last shebang, the last cahoots before hanging up my TTC desires. If it works then great, if not I will be saying adios to all the great friends I’ve made on here.
Friday, August 15, 2008
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
My Stats today:
I will get a Protein IV on Friday and maybe again at ET to help with OHSS. They also are putting me on Actos starting tomorrow night. Not sure what this is for, I researched it and could only find information about women with PCOS taking it to lower insulin.....not sure what that has to do with OHSS. They also have me starting 2mg of Estrace vaginally the night of ER to keep my lining built up. Because my E2 is so high when we do the retrieval they don't want my E2 to plummet which means my lining will breakdown, so to prevent that they're adding in the Estrace. I also start baby aspirin and PIO on Friday.
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Well when I spoke to my nurse yesterday she said that they would push me to Wednesday for a Friday retrieval. When she called today I asked her if we were still good to go for a Friday retrieval. This is how the conversation went:
Nurse N: Girly you need to give your ovaries a pep talk to catch up with your E2.
Me: What is it today?
Nurse N: 4300. Things are still looking good we just need your eggs to grow some more. So drop your meds again to 100 tonight and 75 in the morning.
Me: Are we still good for transfer on Friday?
Nurse N: I don't know.
Me: What do you mean?
Nurse N: Depends on your body?
Me: What is Dr. M trying to get my follie size to? 18?
Nurse N: Yes, 18 would be good but we would like 20?
Me: Why 20 before trigger when the follies will continue to grow even after trigger?
Nurse N: Well at least 18.
Me: Um..... okay. (hanging up phone with a confused look on my face)
So I have no idea what point they are trying to push me to as anything over the size of 15 has the potential to be mature. And today I have 7 at that point already and 6 that are close to it. All I know is, they better trigger me tomorrow, or doc and I need to have a conversation to let me know what in the world she is thinking! Tomorrow will make 12 days that I 've been stimming and I didn't want to stim as long as I did last time. Last time I stimmed for 13 days, but I stayed on a high amount of 300 per day. So I guess its better as I'm not pushing as much drugs into my eggs as I did last time.
Well.......I pray this all works.
Sunday, August 10, 2008
Stay on 300iu Follistim tonight but drop down to 225iu in the AM. I don't think I will be ready for the trigger tomorrow as planned. Maybe Tuesday for a Thursday retrieval or it may even get pushed to a Friday retrieval. I prefer Tuesday or Wednesday because I don't want to stim as long as I did last time, but if I have to, to get more mature eggs then I guess thats what I will have to do.
Okay so on to my apology..... I had a revelation yesterday but didn't get a chance to get on and post yesterday. So here it is....
I want to apologize because I often talk down to you. I often feel that you have let me down because you haven't responded in the way I wanted you to respond. However, I fail to remember the simple things that you do for me. My heart continues to beat, my lungs continue to pump. My eyes continue to see and my ears continue to hear. My limbs work, and my muscles do too and because of all this I say thank you. You are the temple that God blessed me with, I am to cherish and take care of you. I only get one and you are the one I have been blessed with. I wish it were simpler to be able to get pregnant, but thank God for medical interventions. I know all the things I do to you on a daily basis with the injections and the drugs and the many surgeries I've had may not be the easiest on you, but you stay strong and continue to push through. So body I apologize for talking down to you for not responding the way I want you to respond, but thank you body for all the small things that you continue to do.
Friday, August 8, 2008
Right: 12, 12, 10
Left: 11, 10, 10
So I'm no longer in my oooh this is going great mood. My mood is weird to explain. Its like I know this is our last attempt....yes I want with all my heart for this to work, yet I have this disconnected feeling like I'm sheltering myself from the inevitable. I want this to work more than anything else, yet in the back of my mind I keep telling myself, well if it doesn't work it wasn't meant to be. Which is still hard to accept because you mean to tell me drug addicts, and those who abuse their kids were meant to be? Ugghh the many thoughts that run through my head. However, this disconnected feeling has given me the most unusual and freakish calm ever. Yes, I think about my numbers and hope and pray that they grow, but I have this weird detached feeling that I can't seem to put my finger on. Its like I'm going through the motions, hoping and praying the best and thats its. No attachment at all. Like I'm watching someones else life through a window. But any who, I'm rambling and probably not making sense because I'm not even making sense to myself.....
I'm not sure what to think about all of this. Its so different from last cycle. My E2 is high, but not many follies showing. Last cycle on CD 8 Stim Day 7 I had Right: 11 and Left: 14,10 and my E2: 417. So if you look at it that way I'm ahead of the game, but last time when my E2 was 1118 on Stim Day 10 I had 16 follies growing. Now my E2 is 1058 and only 6 follies growing. I guess I can think quality over quantity, but I at least want something to work with, without having to stim as long as I did last time.
Trying not to stress about it or think to much about it, so I guess I will see what tomorrow brings....
Thursday, August 7, 2008
I reminded her that although my IVF coverage had ran out my insurance thankfully still covered 80% of my medicine cost. I also have like 3 boxes of 900iu Follistim in the refrigerator because I based the amount I bought off how much I used last time. She was like oh great, since you got it I'm going to bump you up to 300iu tonight and 300iu tomorrow morning because I want you to get to where you were last time, just faster. She said I was trying to be conservative to save you cash. Um thanks Dr. ML I appreciate it, but whats most important to me right now is getting a great response so I have some great looking embies to transfer!
I also made sure to confirm that ICSI will be done on all and that three embryos will be transferred again. So I said Dr. ML, we're still good to go with ICSI on all and transferring three right, she said huh, I said just like last time except we're making sure to ICSI all right?!? She was like yeah we can still transfer three, but you know the risk it could still happen. Nancy my amazing nurse was like you know Tash!d@ would love twins. Dr. ML who is probably in her low 60's was like yeah I know but we're not supposed to encourage it. But transferring 3 is what it is!! Back again tomorrow for another u/s and b/w.
Oh yeah my nurse mentioned something really interesting to me. She said they are thinking about doing away with E2 numbers as they are learning they really don't mean anything. I was like really?!? She was like yeah, I was like well what about that thing you guys say about cancelling if E2 reaches 4500 because of the lining breaking down. She said we are seeing different and think it really doesn't matter anymore. :o/ I still want to know mine!
Right: 10, 11, (4 smaller ones)
Left: 10, (4 smaller ones)
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
Thats 11 just counting whats already showing on the screen and in 5 days I'm pretty sure more will pop up. And I've read anything over 15 has the potential to be mature. I'm going to get that 5DT that I want, in Jesus Name! I'm glad too that I don't have any lead follies but they're all around the same size which mean they will all mature around the same time. I'm also happy that I can feel my ovaries working. I wasn't feeling anything around this time last time....so thats good too! And if everything thing continues to go as plan I will be right on schedule for my ER on Wednesday - works perfect for DH as he already have Wednesday's off at his job. I did decide that I'm going to take a couple of days off after transfer to lay around the house.
Right: 10, 4 < 10
Left: 6 < 10
I go back again tomorrow and will do my history and physical as well.
Prayers that the smaller ones that are not being measured are measurable tomorrow!
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
I looked back at the results from my last IVF....IVF#3 and on Day 5 I only have one measurable follie which was a 10...just like this morning. My E2 was only 73. I was like oh no God, please don't let this be another repeat. So I get to work and I'm searching and searching and searching about E2 numbers and trying to find what an acceptable level for Day 5 should be and I found something that said over 100 should be good. So I was reasoning with God saying okay God I will be happy if my E2 is 150. A couple of hours later I reasoned again and said well God actually I will be happy if my E2 is 175.
I just wanted to know that this new protocol I'm on and all these changes I've been doing were helping. Well after looking at my phone a couple of hundred times it finally rung and said my RE office number....YES, about time!
Nancy (my nurse) and I have quite a history and unfortunately she has been the one to break bad news to me on more than one occasion. But not this time! She said you're doing awesome...I was like really, she said yep your E2 is 378. I was like WOOHOO! She was like just for comparison, this time last cycle it was only 73. I said now Nancy you know I have been back over all my numbers and have been analyzing it all back and forth....she was like yeah I know.
So I told her I told myself I would be happy if it was 175 and it was double that! So I was thrilled! I just had a feeling that it would be low and she would tell me to up my meds and skip the appointment for tomorrow and come back Thursday, but nope I was wrong! She told me to stay on the same dose and come in tomorrow for my appointment. Bright and early at 7 a.m. Feels good to be wrong sometimes! I just pray the good news keep coming! I keep telling myself....This is my month! THIS IS MY MONTH!
Right: 10 (+ some smaller ones)
Left: 8 (+ some smaller ones)
Friday, August 1, 2008
It was funny the way it happened. Okay the way the office does appointments is you go the front desk they send you to get blood, you go back to the front desk then they send you to an ultrasound done. The U/S techs send you back out with a piece of paper with everything that was seen on the u/s with u/s pics taped to the back. Then you are sent back to the front desk and wait on your nurse to come get you. It seems complicated but actually works pretty smooth. But anyway my nurse called my name and I walked up to her and handed her my paper - she yells 'I LOVE IT!' everyone in the waiting room looks our way I was like I love it too! She was like your paper don't have any cyst listed I was like I know...she kept saying I love it, I love it. Followed by my 'me too!' Then she said that everything looks great, the volume in my ovaries, lining, etc. I have 11 antral follies on the right and 10 antral follies on the left.
So here is my protocol:
CD 1 - 20 units Lupron
CD 2-4 ~ 20 units Lupron AM/ 225iu Follistim AM and 225 IU Follistim PM
CD 5-11 ~ 5 units Lupron AM/ 225iu Follistim AM and 225 IU Follistim PM
CD 5 - Tue @ 7:15
CD 6 - Wed @ 7
CD 7 - Thur @ 9:00 + History and Physical
CD 8 - Fri @ 7
CD 9 - Sat @ 845
CD 10 - Sun @ 830
CD 11 - Mon @ 7
CD 12 - Tue - Pre-op Appt
CD 13 - Wed - Tenative ER