Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Self Reflection.... (pregnancy mnt'd - not mine)

So for those of you who remember the post about my BFF and for those who don't here is the link.

I had to do some self reflecting on this. I kept asking myself why am I so angry with her? What is it that sent me over the edge?

I couldn't come up with an answer.

So I texted her and told her how she hurt me and my reasons I thought I was so hurt as I wasn't too sure what it was. I told her I was embarrassed to tell my family that she was pregnant again by yet another baby daddy, I was hurt that she waited 3 months before she was due to tell me, and I was pissed at the fact she still hadn't learned to use BCPs. She apologized again and said she understood I would be angry about her waiting to tell me, but she didn't think anytime was a good time since I had my chemical in September and she found out in August. She said she never thought about the other things that upset me but that she could understand it.

My mom asked if we were talking again and I told her yes. I told her I couldn't figure out why I was so mad at her, but I knew that I could not stay angry at her especially since I could not figure out why I was so mad. I told her I can't live my life being mad at every friend and family member that was blessed with the gift of easily getting pregnant just because I can't do the same. Although she could have handled it differently I can't stay mad I'm not.

I told her that I would like to be there when she delivers. She is in FL now but was in Cali last time my God baby was born and I made it there about 2 weeks too late. My flight and everything was already booked and I was supposed to be in the delivery room but ended up helping to care for the baby while mommy got some well needed rest. So I told her since I missed it last time I would like to be there this time. She said it would mean the world to her but she wasn't sure if I would be up to it. She said that I was top of the list to be God mother for this child as well, but she didn't want to put too much burden on me since I was already God mother to the first two. Well actually only one of them is my God child because the other was born when I was 14 and even though she asked me to be the God mother then, my mother put her foot down and said no, you're too young. So she named another God mother then but when I do for my God child who is 2 1/2 now I also do for her and she is 12 and considers me her God mother. So I told her when I do for one I do for I have another God baby on the way. She has actually told me that if something happens to me she really wants the kids to be with me. I told her that is fine, but to just make sure she has it in her will so that it is understood with her family once she is gone. The baby was shy at the appointment to tell exactly what it that why the reference is baby.

Now you may think being in the birthing room is hard...but I've been there so many times before. Its almost like I think in some weird way if God see me being able to be happy for others that maybe He will find in His heart to finally bless me with my own.

I haven't mentioned here but I even signed up to be a volunteer at the hospital and to work in the nursery and NICU area. I am still in the midst of all the paperwork, but I actually look forward to getting started. I have so much free time on my hand and I have to do something to keep my mind busy or I sit and think too much about the baby that I don't have. Right now I don't think that working in the nursery will be too hard on me giving my situation, however if it is, I won't hesitate to pull the plug. My sanity and well being is way more important. But I really love babies, really love being around them, they give me a peace...I want to help them. The nursery part will invovle bathing, rocking, changing, etc. The NICU part is only like stocking and helping the parents with things that they need. Sooooo, we will see how it goes.


Erin said...

You have every right to be disappointed and angry with BFF. I'm coming to accept that IF forces us to lose connections... even the ones we thought were rock solid. Hoping you can come to terms with her at some point.

And about the volunteering:
You take my breath away. Keep up that great spirit!!!


Rae said...

I am soooooo happy that you decided to let it go. I think that in the long run it will help you in so many ways. Not only does it mend your relationship with a long time friend, it also frees your mind and soul to get past some of the hurt that you have gone through. Don't ever underestimate the power of positive thinking, letting go, and getting your focus on something other than what seems to elude you at this moment. I honestly think that that is what it took for me to finally be successful at this. I used to complain, whine, and harbor so much resentment in my heart about the one thing I didn't have, but didn't properly acknowledge and uplift the things that I had been blessed with. God frowns upon that....I think. You are doing things the right way. You are showing that you have a big heart, something that shows your readiness for motherhood! I can't wait to read about your sticky bfp. It is coming soon. Kudos to you again girl!

Reggie Boppy said...

I think it's wonderful that you've been able to move past your initial anger. I really admire you for getting into volunteer work, especially working in the NICU. Good for you!

Flower said...

I'm so proud of you. Good Job!

Michele said...

As one of the ladies at church says, God puts all sorts of folks in our lives, with all sorts of baggage. I'm sure we are those folks for others as well.

You have such a giving heart and spirit. That is really beautiful.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for stopping by my blog & commenting. Your writing is powerful & emotional. I am so sorry you are walking this IF path - it is difficult on pretty much every level I can think of.

I hope you & BFF can find a good way to communicate again - it sounds like the children would also really miss you if you weren't in touch. I understand about feeling so much anger and not really knowing why. It helped when I realized it wasn't so much that I was angry at the person, but I was angry at the situation. Why was it never my turn? I also believe that it is ok to be angry with God, to confront Him sometimes. He can take it, He loves us so deeply and so passionately - we can be honest with Him. At least, that is how I feel.

I will be back to visit your blog and cheer on your next ttc. I hope it is the one for you. And what love you have to share in your volunteer work - that would have been a superhuman effort for me ...

Tiffany said...

Wow, I can understand why you would be upset. I had a VERY close friend just last week blurt her pregnancy out like it was no big deal. In a way I guess it was fine, because whether or not she sheltered me from the blow it still would have stung. Gotta give you credit for wanting to volunteer in the NICU, I too have that love of babies. You will make a fantastic Mama someday.

Greg and Heather said...

I found your blog through other IF blogs and I'm addicted...I wish you so much luck on this crappy journey we have to be on but I love that you and your hubby know the Lords plans are much bigger than ours!

Blessings to you!

Greg and Heather said...

Oh and can you please tell me about your Vitamin Regimen!