Self Reflection.... (pregnancy mnt'd - not mine)

So for those of you who remember the post about my BFF and for those who don't here is the link.

I had to do some self reflecting on this. I kept asking myself why am I so angry with her? What is it that sent me over the edge?

I couldn't come up with an answer.

So I texted her and told her how she hurt me and my reasons I thought I was so hurt as I wasn't too sure what it was. I told her I was embarrassed to tell my family that she was pregnant again by yet another baby daddy, I was hurt that she waited 3 months before she was due to tell me, and I was pissed at the fact she still hadn't learned to use BCPs. She apologized again and said she understood I would be angry about her waiting to tell me, but she didn't think anytime was a good time since I had my chemical in September and she found out in August. She said she never thought about the other things that upset me but that she could understand it.

My mom asked if we were talking again and I told her yes. I told her I couldn't figure out why I was so mad at her, but I knew that I could not stay angry at her especially since I could not figure out why I was so mad. I told her I can't live my life being mad at every friend and family member that was blessed with the gift of easily getting pregnant just because I can't do the same. Although she could have handled it differently I can't stay mad forever....so I'm not.

I told her that I would like to be there when she delivers. She is in FL now but was in Cali last time my God baby was born and I made it there about 2 weeks too late. My flight and everything was already booked and I was supposed to be in the delivery room but ended up helping to care for the baby while mommy got some well needed rest. So I told her since I missed it last time I would like to be there this time. She said it would mean the world to her but she wasn't sure if I would be up to it. She said that I was top of the list to be God mother for this child as well, but she didn't want to put too much burden on me since I was already God mother to the first two. Well actually only one of them is my God child because the other was born when I was 14 and even though she asked me to be the God mother then, my mother put her foot down and said no, you're too young. So she named another God mother then but when I do for my God child who is 2 1/2 now I also do for her and she is 12 and considers me her God mother. So I told her when I do for one I do for all......so I have another God baby on the way. She has actually told me that if something happens to me she really wants the kids to be with me. I told her that is fine, but to just make sure she has it in her will so that it is understood with her family once she is gone. The baby was shy at the appointment to tell exactly what it is....so that why the reference is baby.

Now you may think being in the birthing room is hard...but I've been there so many times before. Its almost like I think in some weird way if God see me being able to be happy for others that maybe He will find in His heart to finally bless me with my own.

I haven't mentioned here but I even signed up to be a volunteer at the hospital and to work in the nursery and NICU area. I am still in the midst of all the paperwork, but I actually look forward to getting started. I have so much free time on my hand and I have to do something to keep my mind busy or I sit and think too much about the baby that I don't have. Right now I don't think that working in the nursery will be too hard on me giving my situation, however if it is, I won't hesitate to pull the plug. My sanity and well being is way more important. But I really love babies, really love being around them, they give me a peace...I want to help them. The nursery part will invovle bathing, rocking, changing, etc. The NICU part is only like stocking and helping the parents with things that they need. Sooooo, we will see how it goes.