Got a call from the nurse today. She had some results from the 9 vials of blood I gave before Christmas and she said she would call later with the rest. She said that our karyotype test came back normal. My thyroid was normal and my iron was okay. She said that my CA-125 was high. Anything >21 means something is active and mine was 29. She said what that means is that my Endometriosis is active right now and being on the lupron depot should help bring this number down before my next cycle. Now the next one I must not have wrote the name down right as I was trying to drive and jot notes at the same time as my nurse called me while I was driving. I thought she said antimalarian but when I google that I come up with only things matching antimalarial which has something to do with malaria…clearly not what I was looking for. But whatever it was called she said it was low, it was .4. She said low normally means poor egg quality and that your ovaries are not doing what they should. I’m going to call and get the exact name tomorrow so that I can google and read up on it myself. She said the doctor was not shocked by this as it is something that he expected already.
I never thought that I may be facing egg quality issues; well yeah I did kind of but not really. I thought my issues were that my endometriosis was effecting implantation. And I know the outer shell of my egg is always thick which is why we need ICSI and that’s caused by the Endo. However, I’ve read that Endo can effect egg quality….I just never thought that it was part of the equation causing things to not work for me.
I just asked DH how he felt about donor eggs. Up until maybe 10 minutes ago I had never thought about it or even thought of it as an option or something we may need. However, I think I would be open to the idea. I am open to adoption, however DH is not, but maybe if he knows the baby is part of him he would be okay with it. When I asked him he was like what, what is donor eggs, what we need that for? And I told him what the nurse had said and he was like but if you can’t carry with your own eggs why you think you can carry with someone else’s eggs. And I told him because we were originally thinking my issues was implantation but if it’s not implantation and it really is egg issues then that would make a difference. I was like if after all these tests, PGD and everything else we are doing and nothing still hasn’t worked how do you feel about donor eggs? I could see he was confused so I told him the gist of it. I was like you look through profiles and you could find someone that looks like me, has my traits, etc and the egg is then fertilized with your sperm and transferred back in me. He was like no…as he sat there with this confused look on his face. He was like you wouldn’t want to do that would you. I was like I just want a baby….I would adopt if I could so it doesn’t matter to me; I just want to be a mommy and would love to carry a baby and experience being pregnant. He was like well let’s talk about this after PGD and we’re not going to need it because your eggs will be fine.
Now the crazy thing is….I would actually be okay with donor eggs, because it could be our secret…not that I would even need or want to hide it. But I am completely against surrogacy. Not for others but just for me and I think it’s for a completely selfish reason. I want to experience being pregnant, I want to give my DH his baby and I feel that although surrogates are doing an amazing thing I just feel like….I don’t know…I don’t know how to explain it. I would be jealous and resentful but thankful at the same time. They were able to give my husband something that I tried for years and years to be able to do and failed at. As you can see I’m not mentally at the point to accept surrogacy but I guess that’s a last and I mean very last resort for me. I have wanted a child since I was like 12. But you know I wanted to do it the right way, get married, and then have kids. Unbeknownst to myself that I would struggle so much to have the one thing that I have wanted since as long as I can remember.