Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Stim Day 8 and Thank You

Cycle Info first:

E2: 812
Right: 11, 10, 10
Left: 12, 13C, 12, 10

I got 6 to measure today...still going slow and steady but at this point I'm just taking one day at a time. My body is in no hurry so I guess I should just go with the flow. I picture myself stimming for about 12 or 13 days. I don't want to trigger when my largest reaches 18 like we did the past few times because they don't be mature. So I don't want to trigger until they are mostly 20 and if that means stimming longer then by all means chug-a-lug me right along. Will speak to my RE about this tomorrow at my history and physical appt. We figured it would take my ovaries a while to shake the cobb webbs off since I was on depot lupron for 3 months but they are seriously taking their time waking up!

Okay to the thank you part. I was overwhelmed by the love and support shown to me. I know that it is a very sensitive topic and I thank you all so much for enduring through the post and weighing in on it.

She emailed me this today:
Last night after speaking with you I felt like I had said something wrong and I'm not sure what it was. I don't think I was being inconsiderate by telling you what i told you because i know that your main concern was the child being mistreated if I kept it. So could you please tell me what I said that triggered your emotions or was out of line because I would really like to know and would not have said anything if I knew it would have upset you. I thought you were pro-adoption.

I responded:
No need to explain my feelings because you would never understand them. I'm glad that you made the decision to give the child to a family that will love him or her. I will no longer be coming down to Florida for the delivery, I'm sure the adoptive parents will be there to show the baby love and right now thats all that is important.

She responded:
Well my mind is not completely made up that that is what i am going to do but it is definitely an option. Although some things are hard for me to understand because I personally have not experienced certain things I do pride myself in having an open mind that is capable of understanding a lot. I'm aware that you are going through your IVF cycle and we all are praying for the best and believing that you will give birth to a healthy baby. I must say that I knew you were coming for the child but i was also hoping that you were coming to support me but you no longer coming I can understand that too because maybe it is all too much for you right now considering the circumstances of your situation and my feelings..

My other friend "L" that told me to cut her off before when I sent her the email exchange between "BFF" and I she said how much do you want to bet that she will say something to try to get you down there for her because she is selfish. I was like nah I don't think so, I made it clear before that I was coming down there for the baby. Sure enough I just checked my email and the sentence in her response above stood out the most: I must say that I knew you were coming for the child but i was also hoping that you were coming to support me but you no longer coming I can understand that too because maybe it is all too much for you right now considering the circumstances of your situation and my feelings.. I now have to go back to friend "L" and say you were right.

I just don't understand it. I don't understand why I've stuck in this friendship as long as I have....I guess I feel bad because I know I'm her only friend. And if it were up to her she would be my only friend too. She doesn't like to "share" me as her friend, real nasty to my friends that I introduce to her. She won't speak to them cordially at all but will tell them that she is my best friend and that there is no room for anymore. Who does that?!? I mean...its so much that can be said but I'm sure you all get the gist of the friendship just by the little I've already said.

I had to respond to her email above even though I thought twice about not responding because I didn't want her changing her mind about adoption because she didn't think I approved. Because I actually think that will be in the best interest of the child. So I needed to respond and say that and I just hope and pray that she don't play with the potential adoptee parents emotions.

Again, I thank you all very much for your support. I really do appreciate it all! I've tried not to bring it here over the past 3 months just because of how touchy the subject is and especially with all of us battling infertility. But you know you can only hold stuff in for so long without getting it out.


vvvalen2002 said...

I am glad you shared this with us, I hope it makes you feel some relief. Who else but us to understand how you feel? It is very easy to put ourselves in your shoes. I believe good friends help you grow as a person and enjoys sharing your life with them. I hope that you are feeling a tiny bit better and know that we are here, through your blog or through FF to support you all the way.
Much love to you and big big hugs

Boa said...

Im glad you shared too, and I feel this will bring you some kind of peace. Specially if that child goes to a loving home, with someone who will cherish and love more then anything. Now going to your levels, yay im happy with them. I know you say your ovaries is taking a while to wake up, but you still have a few more days. And I agree with the idea of waiting for a few 20s before trigger. Hopefully your ER will agree.

Anonymous said...

I just wanted to send you some hugs.

Michele said...

We love our friends. It is part of who we are. We love even when we are hurt. That is why you care and why you respond, even when the rest of the world says "let go". I'm right there with that chorus of voices, but I do understand, too. I've had friends I just couldnt let go as well. The situations have never ended well. And they do always end. I'm sorry for that. I know you wish you could somehow make her a better mom, a better friend, a better person. It has taken me a long time to learn that I cant change other people- only myself. I can only be responsible for myself. I can only protect that which is mine. Don't let her do this to you. The stress isnt good for you, but more than that, this whole thing isnt fair to you.

On to better things, awesome about your results! Slow is okay, as long as they are maturing! No need to rush those little ones! :)

Sending you prayers and hugs...

Where's my miracle? said...

It is good to gets things out in the open and to talk about it. I too am glad that you shared. Somtimes if you keep those kind of feelings bottled up inside it will eat away at you. I hate that you are going through it, but always know you have our support. We don't have the same situations, but we all have similar ones. We all have those kinds of people in our lives that hurt us and get us down. It is a good thing that you are distancing yourself from her. On another note, I am so excited about you progess. Can't wait for more updates. I have a good feeling about this cycle.