Warning: This is a very sensitive topic about pregnancy, an unwanted baby and some harsh words about the two. Please do not read any further if you feel you can't handle what this post may say. I just needed to get this off my chest and this blog is my outlet.
Why is it that I’ve been sitting her crying for the last 30 minutes after a call from my “BFF”? Most of you remember the text to let me know she was 6 months pregnant. Well since then I haven’t posted on here how much I’ve been through mentally and emotionally with her. But everything from her cursing the innocent child that is growing in her belly and hating it’s existence to not even acknowledging the growing baby in her belly as a part of her. She once said I’m just the carrier and it feels like an alien. I won’t even dare to repeat some of the other stuff I’ve heard because I don’t want my infertile blog friends to endure the pain that I have. It has been so hard on me and my mom and another friend and even my husband told me to cut her off. I don’t know why I felt the need to stay around and try to talk sense into her. I told her that if she didn’t want this baby and couldn’t show this baby love like the other two she already has then she should give the child up for adoption. She wasn’t hearing me at all. I asked DH about taking the child from her and he wasn’t entertaining the idea at all. He said that she is a grown woman and need to learn to take care of her responsibilities and use protection if she don’t want to get pregnant. He then says how awkward do you think it would be for you to be raising someone else child that you will still see on a regular basis. How will she handle seeing you raise her child if she didn’t want the child herself? I said I understood where he was coming from and never mentioned it again…although I would have took the baby in without a second thought. Now through all of this there have been plans set in place for me to be in the delivery room with her. I told her a few weeks ago after more negative talking against the baby that I was not coming down there to support her while she gives birth because she don’t need my support but my only reason for going there was so that baby could be held by someone and feel loved. None of which she has shown that baby the entire time he or she has been growing in her belly. She has never referred to the baby as a baby but always IT or THE CHILD. She is 3 centimeters dilated and hasn’t bought ONE thing for the baby, no car seat, no diapers, no clothes, no nothing! So I told her the baby would be the only reason I would break my neck to try to make it down there for the delivery. And she said good because IT would have been sent straight to the nursery and if anyone in the world would be here for it I would want it to be you. DH said that he is tired of having to build me back up after talking to her. I am so emotionally beat up and depressed after dealing with her. Why can someone be blessed with a child and not want the child when I’m sitting here and would give my left arm to be pregnant with a healthy baby. We always read about it but to be thrown in my face by my “BFF” of 20 years it hurts so bad.
But anyway…she called to tell me that she had a doctor’s appointment today and the doctor could tell just how much she hated being pregnant and the child by her attitude and asked if she had thought about adoption. She said she told the doctor yes. The doctor then told her about two couples she knew wanting to adopt and asked if she gave her the couples numbers if she would call them. She said no probably not, so the doctor asked if it was okay for the couples to call her. She told her yeah that was fine. So she was calling to tell me that she has been talking to this adoptive family all day and that she was considering giving the baby up for adoption. To this all I could reply was un-huh. She was like you don’t have anything to say and I said uh-un. Unable to say a word to keep myself from bursting in tears. She was like I don’t understand why you sound that way when I’m listening to what you wanted me to do. You been mentioned this and now I’m entertaining the idea. I didn’t say anything and she was like this is totally not what I expected. She apologized for messing up my night and I said un-huh again and hung up. I immediately start crying after I hung up and DH is sitting here asking me why I’m crying. I have nothing to tell him because I don’t even know myself. I know in my heart giving this child up for adoption will be in the best interest of the baby but why am I so hurt??? I wanted to tell her you can’t just entertain an idea when dealing with want to be adoptive parents. You can’t just dangle this carrot if you are not serious. You can’t expect me to be in the delivery room with you to watch you hand the baby over. I’m not even carrying the baby but I’ve shown more attachment to the baby than she has. I can’t and I won’t go down there to support her have another baby. I was only going for the baby so the baby can feel loved. In an adoptive home is probably best for the baby, I guess I just wish it was my home. However, I know how DH feels about adoption and thats nothing that I can change; he has to change his own thought process on that. I keep telling myself that if she is serious this is the best thing for the baby….so why am I so upset? Why am I so hurt?