Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Very Sensitive Topic.....

Warning: This is a very sensitive topic about pregnancy, an unwanted baby and some harsh words about the two. Please do not read any further if you feel you can't handle what this post may say. I just needed to get this off my chest and this blog is my outlet.


Why is it that I’ve been sitting her crying for the last 30 minutes after a call from my “BFF”? Most of you remember the text to let me know she was 6 months pregnant. Well since then I haven’t posted on here how much I’ve been through mentally and emotionally with her. But everything from her cursing the innocent child that is growing in her belly and hating it’s existence to not even acknowledging the growing baby in her belly as a part of her. She once said I’m just the carrier and it feels like an alien. I won’t even dare to repeat some of the other stuff I’ve heard because I don’t want my infertile blog friends to endure the pain that I have. It has been so hard on me and my mom and another friend and even my husband told me to cut her off. I don’t know why I felt the need to stay around and try to talk sense into her. I told her that if she didn’t want this baby and couldn’t show this baby love like the other two she already has then she should give the child up for adoption. She wasn’t hearing me at all. I asked DH about taking the child from her and he wasn’t entertaining the idea at all. He said that she is a grown woman and need to learn to take care of her responsibilities and use protection if she don’t want to get pregnant. He then says how awkward do you think it would be for you to be raising someone else child that you will still see on a regular basis. How will she handle seeing you raise her child if she didn’t want the child herself? I said I understood where he was coming from and never mentioned it again…although I would have took the baby in without a second thought. Now through all of this there have been plans set in place for me to be in the delivery room with her. I told her a few weeks ago after more negative talking against the baby that I was not coming down there to support her while she gives birth because she don’t need my support but my only reason for going there was so that baby could be held by someone and feel loved. None of which she has shown that baby the entire time he or she has been growing in her belly. She has never referred to the baby as a baby but always IT or THE CHILD. She is 3 centimeters dilated and hasn’t bought ONE thing for the baby, no car seat, no diapers, no clothes, no nothing! So I told her the baby would be the only reason I would break my neck to try to make it down there for the delivery. And she said good because IT would have been sent straight to the nursery and if anyone in the world would be here for it I would want it to be you. DH said that he is tired of having to build me back up after talking to her. I am so emotionally beat up and depressed after dealing with her. Why can someone be blessed with a child and not want the child when I’m sitting here and would give my left arm to be pregnant with a healthy baby. We always read about it but to be thrown in my face by my “BFF” of 20 years it hurts so bad.

But anyway…she called to tell me that she had a doctor’s appointment today and the doctor could tell just how much she hated being pregnant and the child by her attitude and asked if she had thought about adoption. She said she told the doctor yes. The doctor then told her about two couples she knew wanting to adopt and asked if she gave her the couples numbers if she would call them. She said no probably not, so the doctor asked if it was okay for the couples to call her. She told her yeah that was fine. So she was calling to tell me that she has been talking to this adoptive family all day and that she was considering giving the baby up for adoption. To this all I could reply was un-huh. She was like you don’t have anything to say and I said uh-un. Unable to say a word to keep myself from bursting in tears. She was like I don’t understand why you sound that way when I’m listening to what you wanted me to do. You been mentioned this and now I’m entertaining the idea. I didn’t say anything and she was like this is totally not what I expected. She apologized for messing up my night and I said un-huh again and hung up. I immediately start crying after I hung up and DH is sitting here asking me why I’m crying. I have nothing to tell him because I don’t even know myself. I know in my heart giving this child up for adoption will be in the best interest of the baby but why am I so hurt??? I wanted to tell her you can’t just entertain an idea when dealing with want to be adoptive parents. You can’t just dangle this carrot if you are not serious. You can’t expect me to be in the delivery room with you to watch you hand the baby over. I’m not even carrying the baby but I’ve shown more attachment to the baby than she has. I can’t and I won’t go down there to support her have another baby. I was only going for the baby so the baby can feel loved. In an adoptive home is probably best for the baby, I guess I just wish it was my home. However, I know how DH feels about adoption and thats nothing that I can change; he has to change his own thought process on that. I keep telling myself that if she is serious this is the best thing for the baby….so why am I so upset? Why am I so hurt?

21 comments:

Soapchick said...

Oh honey I'm so sorry for your pain, but it is totally understandable. Your BFF (hardly inmho) is a very irresponsible, immature person who has hurt a lot of people - including you and this beautiful baby inside of her. As hard as it is, I really hope she gives up the baby for adoption, for the baby's sake. I also think your husband is right - you need to accept that your friend is never going to get it, she's not on the same level as you - emotionally or intellectually. As difficult as it is - walk away. Protect yourself. In the meantime let your hubby hug you.

Pepper said...

It hurts because you have a front row seat to watching someone disrespect and disregard something she should be cherishing, something you would cherish if you were in her shoes. It must feel like you're so powerless; you can't make her see the error of her ways and you can't step in to take the baby, which may seem like the perfect solution for all of you. It must be completely and utterly frustrating.

I'm so sorry. This woman is a leach who will do nothing but suck the energy out of you. I really think your hubby was on to something when he suggested you cut her loose. People either raise you higher or they pull you down to their level. It isn't hard to see what category this woman falls into.

Sending hugs and hopes that you're feeling better soon. BTW - don't underestimate the effect those injectables can have. They magnify everything.

Molly said...

T, I wish you could adopt this baby, and I wish that your dh would see how much you would want this baby .... I also wish you'd cut this "bff" off, what's the point of having bff who only causes you the pain (unless bff stands for something else then I think) Imagine adopting a baby now and having your bio baby in 9 monhts !!!

Erin said...

I agree with everyone here. I wish you could adopt this baby. Do you think deep down she wants you to offer? I know your DH is against it, but... I'm sorry you have to witness all this. Imagine how many other unwanted children are out there...? It's so sad, so unfair, so bizarre. I'll never understand why so many of us suffer... (babies, too).

Kymberli said...

You're so upset and hurt because your "friend" doesn't seem to care the first bit about this baby who you would be all too willing to love and nurture. It also must feel like a horrible slap in the face to have gone through and be going through all that you are just for the opportunity to have the experience that she so flippantly and carelessly wants to throw away. It hurts because the fertility that she has is wasted on her. It hurts because this is someone who is supposed to be a friend, and through this whole ordeal from when you first found out, it's also become apparent that no matter what she says, she doesn't really care too much about you, either.

It is time to detach. You have to focus on you and yours and let her and her issues go. It is good that she is talking to adoptive parents - that child will know love and love will find him or her. Now it is time for you to step back and let her do her and you do you. She's toxic and you have enough to deal with without trying to balance her issues in with it all, too.

T, I'm thinking of you and I'll be praying for you. (((HUGS)))

Yolen said...

That is HIGHLY upsetting. I'm very sorry you've had to deal with this thoughtless woman. It does sound like the best thing for the baby would be to go to another family. Please be gentle with yourself. And stay away from that woman. She sounds toxic.

Claudia said...

Sorry you're having to deal with all this right in the middle of your own IVF cycle. Do what you can to protect yourself. You really don't need the drama right now.

Alison said...

Oh T, I am so sorry you have been so hurt by your 'supposed' best friends indifference about the miracle inside her - it may be that you're the only one left she has to talk to, and that too is sad. You never should have to explain your feelings and reactions to her after all you've been through, that's for damn certain. 'Friends' should know you better!

I so wish you could take that baby home and love it as your own, I know it hurts you that it's not an option for A yet. I really hope she is serious about choosing one of the families though - I can only imagine the hope and excitement they might be beginning to feel right now. I hope she doesn't take that away and keep the baby in a moment of selfishness.

You need friends around you who make your life easier, not harder. It might be time to search elsewhere for a more tender heart and leave her be...whether temporary or permanent.

Boa said...

Oh mine, I dont even know what to say, I feel your pain and I completely understand why you feel the way you do. I started crying while reading the story. Maybe im too emotional too, but I think DH is right, she needs to learn from her own actions because no matter what you say, doesnt sound like she will get it. I pray for that child, that the child will find a loving home. Someone like you, who would love dearly. I also understand why DH isnt up for adpotion, specially her baby. But if I were you, i would probably feel the same way. I would take that child in a heart beat. I also have to agree with DH hun, walk away, like some ladies said here. Protect yourself. Praying for you to find peace and for her and her child.

TheDales said...

I am so sorry you have to deal with this. I don't know what to say exactly. I started crying while reading this story. I have a hard time understanding why some people don’t understand what a miracle and blessing they have growing inside of them. I’m praying for that sweet child and hope it finds a loving home.

RB said...

I am so sorry you have to deal with these emotions. Even though adoption isn't an option for you since you guys aren't home study ready and DH hasn't warmed up to the idea yet, it's understandable why this is so hurtful. You've got to focus on the positive. This child (fingers crossed she follows through) will be loved by his/her adoptive parents. That is a better life than she can offer the baby. I think the fact that she didn't even think to consider you and DH as potential parents is hurtful to you. Personally, I'd cut off all ties. (((hugs)))

Anonymous said...

Girl you've got to walk away from this woman. I know its hard but its not good for you to be exposed to her negativity during stims...bad energy for the beautiful baby/ies that you're making for you and your hubby right now.

I'm really pulling for you and I know in my heart that you're a fantastic IVF success story in the making. G/L.

Michele said...

Sweetie, you are hurt because YOU love this child and care for his or her wellbeing. Not to mention, your so called BFF doesnt have the sense God gave a shoe and continues to hurt you with her bad behavior. I agree with DH- let her go. You have so much on your plate and the stress isnt good for you!!! Not to mention, it's just not fair to you!!!

As much as it hurts, adoption is what is best for this baby. The little one needs to be loved unconditionally and cared for. She obviously cant do that. Supporting her in this is supporting a good life for the child. As much as it hurts, sometimes we have to hurt in order for our love to shine through. You can do this.

Where's my miracle? said...

I'm so sorry that you are having the endure the pain that this so called friend is putting upon you. She seems very selfish. Knowing what I know about what you have been through is enough for me to not bring you into the situation. I can't imagine what you are feeling. Your friend has a beautiful baby growing inside her and she does not realize what a gift that is. So, sad. You are a sweet, loving person to stay her friend through all of this. If she is going to contiune to treat you this way and disrepect you then you would be better off without her. Why let someone like this bring you down when all you have done is give her support and love? You deserve so much more. I hope that her baby gets to a loving home where he or she will be cherished for the miracle that he or she is. Lots of hugs for you!!!

Amy said...

I know one reason you are probably upset is because I know you love the baby and would love to adopt it but I also think that you are upset because you know your best friend and are worried that she will back out and break this adoptive couples heart. Because you know the pain of infertility and you don't want this couple to get hurt. Because that's the kind of loving person you are. ((hugs))

Flower said...

Wow!!!Just wanted to give you some (((HUGS)))

You got some great responses!

Isn't it pretty to think so said...

oh my gosh...how could you NOT be upset and hurt. That is unbelievable. I really think that your "friendship" with this person needs to stop...here and now. Don't put yourself through anymore pain by being a part of her life.

vvvalen2002 said...

I agree with everyone, she is not the kind of friend you need. I am sorry she is putting you through this. I will cut her off, at least for now. You need to take care of yourself in all aspects of your life . A big hug for you

Martha said...

Here from Lost and Found, I'm so sorry you have to go through this heartache. I wish you peace and send my best.

In Due Time said...

BFF's can be such a PIA. Hang in there hon.

La La said...

Oh hun. I am so sorry that you have to deal with this. I wish you could have this baby. Bless your heart. ((hugs))